a medical librarian's adventures in evidence-based living
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Making the best of what we have....is not second best. It is rather, a demand for active engagement in caring for what and whom we value. That is what's touching about Groundhog Day.
-Ellen Goodman-
Happy 126th Groundhog Day!
If you received this post via email, click here to get to the web version with all the links.
If this post looks familiar to you--it's not because you're suddenly trapped in a some cosmic Bill Murray-like Groundhog Day Life--stuck seeing the same HHLL post every morning! Although, I'm guessing it must seem like that for some of you.
No, it's just my not-so-annual Groundhog Day post--that I first wrote in 2008 and reposted in 2009 and I'm now reposting it in 2012!
Living the Groundhog Day Life
I love Bill Murray's 1993 movie, Groundhog Day! It's my favorite kind of film---funny with a profound message. We can get stuck in the same place, doing the same thing, every last day of our lives, until we finally get it right. Until we change ourselves.
Phil Connors is an arrogant, cynical, sarcastic weatherman who has come to Punxsutawney, PA on February 2 to cover the annual Groundhog Day celebration.
He's the kind of guy who no one can stand--and he could care less! To Phil this is a backwater town, and the assignment is beneath him. And to make matters worse, he discovers he's in the middle of huge cosmic joke that condemns him to living the same day, February 2 over and over again.
Every blessed morning he wakes up to Sonny & Cher singing, "It Ain't Me Babe". Eats the same breakfast & covers the same Groundhog Day festival, sees the same annoying people.....until he gets it right!
Before I saw Groundhog Day I had read Ellen Goodman's column about the movie. Now, nineteen years later I still think about what the movie meant to her and I just have to share her Zen-like meditation on middle-age:
In the middle of the movie Phil says in utter despair to a man sitting next to him at a bar:
"What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was the same and nothing mattered?"
Here's what Ellen Goodman had to say back in 1993:
"What would you do if you woke up in the same place and every day was the same?
For most people, middle age is a little bit like that. It's long past the time of life when most of us were building our careers, beginning our families and nesting.
It's the maintenance stage when an extraordinary amount of energy is going to upkeep - keeping up the commitments you have. One morning inevitably looks a lot like the one before it.....
But in real life, those of us who do not want to start over in the middle face a different test of renewal. Daily renewal. Getting up in the same place, doing the same things - only making it matter.
So we have to figure out how to make the best of what we have.
Making the best of what we have....is not second best. It is rather, a demand for active engagement in caring for what and whom we value.
That is what's touching about Groundhog Day. Our trapped weatherman has to learn this the hard way. His life is reduced to one inescapable day. It's the entire deck he's been dealt, the allotment of flowers he can arrange, the cast of characters in his life.
He goes through stages of feeling trapped, depressed, and living as if there's no tomorrow. He finally comes to the not-so-profound-but-still-pretty-rare realization that he can change his world by changing himself.
..it's about making the best of what you have...over and over. Making small repairs and improvements so that the commitments of midlife--the work you do and people you love--don't become a trap. They become and remain the town in which you choose to live even when you have options.
"Groundhog Day" is the perfect renewal movie when we're trapped in the middle of one of the coldest & snowiest winters (and the most challenging economic times) I can remember in a long time.
Note: That might have been true in 2008 & 2009. But, this winter it feels kind of nice to be trapped in the middle of one of the warmest & least snowy winters I can remember. As the for economic scene--doesn't seem like much has changed in that department.
And the Pursuit of Happiness - How About That Maira?
If you've never had the opportunity to see Maira Kalman's gorgeous artistic essay, "And the Pursuit of Happiness" in the 2/01/09 New York TImes --please take a look & say "Hallelujah!"
Feast your eyes & spirt on this! Click here! Her artistic column "And the Pursuit of Happiness," about American democracy, appeared on the last Friday of each month in 2009 in the New York Times. You will find all of Maira's pictorial essays at the bottom of the link. Enjoy!
"But the foundation of all economics is something called opportunity cost.
It says that the true cost of something is the alternative you have to give up.
So each hour that I spend running (or blogging or gardening or Facebooking or watching TV) is an hour that I don't spend hanging out, working, or sleeping.
How do I choose?"
-Justin Wolfers, business & public policy teacher at The Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania-
"Stop Hitting the Snooze Button"
-Mel Robbins, author of "Stop Saying You're Fine"-
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I wrote the post you'll soon read below on a sunny day in August, 2009. And it's still one of my favorites.
But, this Thursday morning was a gray, snowy, cold January 5, 2012. I "made" myself get up early in the pitch black predawn darkness--out of a warm cozy bed (thanks to my heated mattress pad!!).
"Good Reasons to Wake Up Early"
I got up crazy early so I would have time to catch up on the news, eat breakfast (chocolate oatmeal), make a Green Smoothie, pack my lunch, pack my "librarian" clothes, and attend a morning super-tough weight class-- before going on to work--and then meeting-up after-work with three of my favorite gal pals for a "1/4" glass of wine, and a birthday celebration dinner at veg-friendly Indian restaurant. Got home at 10:00 pm.
After-Work Birthday Dinner & Fun with the Gal Pals [over 240 years of experience here]
Sure--there are plenty of things I can't do because I choose to eat healthy, cook most of my meals (with the considerable help of "Lab Rat"), work, hang out with my friends, exercise religiously, visit my family every chance I can, and blog. But, we all make choices every day.
My soon-to-be-28-year-old son's (#2) favorite quote is something like, "Gandhi says we all have the same 24 hours in a day. How you spend it is your choice."
I think it's a pretty wise investment to devote time to preparing healthy meals & to exercise. Sure, I know how difficult it is to find the time--and establish the "plant-based shopping/cooking/eating & exercise habit". But the returns on this investment are something money cannot buy: improved health, weight-loss, increased energy, & a great mood! Really.
Update: Since writing this post in 2009 I've economized on the ways I fit in exercise, shop, cook--and spend my time. Far from perfect--but, I'm always tinkering with the best ways to "fit it all in". If your kids are still "in the nest", you have parents to help take care of, or you're a single parent--I know it's going to take a whole lot of creative time management to fit it all in.
The Economics of Time - How We Spend What We've Got
Written August 26, 2009
Yesterday after work I planned to go to the gym, but I changed my mind. It was 72 degrees & sunny. I headed home, put on my workout clothes, attached the nifty radio receiver I have for my iPOD Nano & set off for an hour long walk, listening to NPR.
Marketplace Moneycame on with their series, Econ Fun-01--about what economists do with their free time. Listening to Justin Wolfers talk about the "Time is Money" conundrum is making me do some serious rethinking about how I'm spending my limited "free time".
Look, we only have so much time in a day. I'm at a big disadvantage right from the get-go because I live "way out" in the sticks--about a 45-50 minute commute to work--a 20 minute drive to where I work-out--a 30 minute drive from lots of my friends, my favorite movie theater, and decent shopping.
But I love where I live--it's green and open and quiet and peaceful--and my house is paid-off. Moving is non-negotiable for now.
I've got some other "time-user-uppers" that are also non-negotiable:
1. I need 7-8 hours of sleep 2. I try to exercise at least 5 days a week for 60 minutes 3. Healthy eating takes lots of time to shop & prepare for. I "make" breakfast, lunch & dinner, and I enjoy cooking. 4. Work 5. Weekend evenings are reserved for socializing 6. If I want a good night's sleep, I need to just do something mindless after 9:00 pm, like TV, magazines, or book skimming 7. I would never say "no" to an important activity or event involving family or friends
Justin's hobby of choice is training for a marathon.
My hobby of choice--reading about health & wellness, and blogging about it--is a huge time-sucker. But I love it. I love learning new things and taking the time to capture them on a computer. I love the positive feedback from readers all over the world. But, I have far too much to write about than I have time for and that creates its own stress.
And frankly, Justin is right! There is an opportunity cost.
1. Less time to do nothing--don't discount that one. 2. Less time to hang out with friends, or take long leisurely walks. 3. Less time to organize & fix up my house. 4. Less time to volunteer. 5. Less time to sit on the couch & read an entire book. 6. Less time to meditate. 7. Less time to spend with my husband. 8. Less time to work in my garden. 9. Less time to switch gears & pick up a new hobby. 10. Less time to clean up my messes, organize my photos, or learn something new. 11. Less time to just talk.
We all have our hobbies.
And we all have our time-wasters. What can we cut out? Or is it possible that some time-wasters are mind-savers because they help us to wind-down & chill-out? Facebook, Twitter, favorite-must-check-daily websites, ESPN, HGTV, sudoku, KenKen, garage sales, computer games, talking on the phone, texting, you-fill-in-the blanks. If the internet is your time-wasting addiction of choice, you MUST READ a recent article in Slate that shows how it adversely affects our brains, and why it's actually a most unsatisfying activity! Seeking: How the Brain Hard-Wires Us to Love Google, Twitter, and texting. And Why That's Dangerous. by Amy Yoffe. Click here for the article. After reading Amy's article I'm definitely curbing my laptop usage. (Update 1/7/12): Yeah right! Hasn't happened.)
Want to waste some time seeing how Americans spend their day? Check out this interesting interactive graphic. How are we spending our time? (Very cool graphic!)
The problem:
According to Justin: "And as I spend my hours slugging out the miles, I'm forced to confront my choices. Instead of sweating it out on the trails, I could take on extra teaching and earn a few extra bucks. And so going running costs me good money."
"The same logic applies to you. Each hour you spend on your hobby you don't spend working harder to get a promotion, studying for a degree, or shopping around for the cheapest groceries."
According to me: "Or, each hour you spend on your hobby you don't spend with your spouse, friends, family, neighbors, getting your house in order, having fun or just plain relaxing."
So, am I going to keep on blogging, or am I going to give it up for more walks, housework, reading, Mahj games, and meditation? Something to think about. "I keep doing an activity only as long as it yields greater benefits than the alternative."
This "not having enough time to do everything" is a running theme for me. It's my "Fighting Entropy" syndrome and I've written about it here and here.
Justin's Marketplace transcript:
If You Run the Numbers, It's a Good Time click here
JUSTIN WOLFERS: I'm not just an economist, I'm also a runner, training for the Marine Corps Marathon.
Runners World magazine recently argued that marathon running is an incredibly cheap sport. All you need is a pair of shoes, and you're off and running. But they're wrong.
You see, they were emphasizing the out-of-pocket cost, which is small. But the foundation of all economics is something called opportunity cost. It says that the true cost of something is the alternative you have to give up.
So each hour that I spend running is an hour that I don't spend hanging out, working, or sleeping. How do I choose? Following economic theory, I keep doing an activity only as long as it yields greater benefits than the alternative.
And as I spend my hours slugging out the miles, I'm forced to confront my choices. Instead of sweating it out on the trails, I could take on extra teaching and earn a few extra bucks. And so going running costs me good money.
The same logic applies to you. Each hour you spend on your hobby is an hour you don't spend working harder to get a promotion, studying for a degree, or shopping around for the cheapest groceries.
By my calculations my 16-week training program comes at an opportunity cost of several thousand dollars. A quicker runner would have a smaller opportunity cost. It's only because I'm both slow and an economist that I fret that the world's cheapest sport is actually incredibly expensive.
But to an economist, the choice is still a no-brainer. We think you should only do what you love, and pay for it by doing what you are good at.
By sticking to economics, I make time for running. Rather than spend hundreds of dollars worth of time cleaning my house each Sunday, I hire a cleaner, who does a better job, at a better price.
When a friend asks me to help them move, I write them a check to pay professional movers instead. It's just more efficient.
And while it can be hard to forgo extra income for a long run, it is even harder to justify wasting that time on Facebook. And with the time that saves, I'm pulling on my shoes to head out for another run.
Justin Wolfers teaches business and public policy at The Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania.
Finding Our Footing - Balancing Between "Rain" Drops
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Some New Business Before the Happy New Year 2012 Post Begins
I'm famous for procrastinating. Just ask anyone in my family. But, last week I did three things I've put off for years--and they were all worth it. Why had I waited so long?
Lesson learned: Enough with the research. Just do it!
After 15 years of spinning (indoor cycling class) I finally shelled out the $40.00 to buy clip-on cycling shoes. What a difference! Why had I waited so long?
After a year of procrastinating, dreading the learning curve, I took the plunge & went from a "dumb phone" to an iPhone 4S. Even I could figure it out--and I love it! Why had I waited so long?
After a year of thinking about starting a Facebook page--I literally forced myself to "just do it!". Thanks to a little help from my DIL & encouragement from Son #1. Why had I waited so long?
Only a small fraction of you have found your way there--but, I'm really enjoying the conversation & actually "meeting" HHLL readers from around the world. And you don't even need to be on Facebook to pay a visit. I'm adding new information everyday--the kind of things I'm just not able to blog about--so please stop by--learn something new and join in the conversation. Find me here (or in the upper right-hand corner of my blog).
Something New - Please stop by & visit, whether you use Facebook or not.
But, I'd love it if you'd click that thumbs-up LIKE Button on the top of page, and join in the conversation.
Goodbye 2011 - Hello 2012
It's the last day of the year. We've just passed the shortest & darkest of days. Today's going to be cloudy, cold, with rain & snow. Who cares? It's a great excuse to just enjoy a relaxing day indoors.
It's been another year of economic uncertainty. Job losses. Business closures. House foreclosures. Scaling down. Uncertain futures. Limited job prospects for new college grads who are saddled with unprecedented steep student loans. (NPR- 12/30/10 Young People Greet 2011 with Caution--what a downer!) Serious family illnesses. Unexpected gut-wrenching deaths. It's a wonder how we all just keep-on-keeping-on.
But, it's also been a year of weddings, welcoming new babies to the world, delirious dancing, gorgeous giggling grandchildren, lots of hugs, graduations, starting new jobs, family gatherings, learning new things, hanging out with friends for an evening of cards and games, cooking with the family, and this list could go on and on.
I like Phil Stopol's attitude--he's one of the "greatest generation", an 87 year-old who fought in World War II--and just celebrated his 61th wedding anniversary last week.
"Mr. Stopol explained that he could hardly believe he had ever served in the military; he had locked away that part of his life. “I’m someone who can remember 50 instances of good times,” he said. “I can’t remember more than four bad times.” For the rest of his story, click here. Phil Stopol
Many Things We Can't Control - Let's Concentrate on What We Can Control
And yet, I've spent a year writing about eating right and exercising in order to stay healthy, perhaps reverse illness, lift your spirits, and just plain feel strong and good. What's up with that?
Here's why: Whether we like it or not, we are all connected to each other. When things fall apart for our family, our friends, our co-workers, our community--we hurt right along with them--as they do with us.
There's so much we have NO control over. But heck, we can always control what goes into our mouths. We can always control how much we move our bodies--yes, that's code word for exercise. The way I look at it--it's a gift to everyone--and I mean everyone--when we can stay healthy, maintain a positive attitude, and have the energy to be present for those (including ourselves) who are hit by the uncontrollable curveballs that life always throws us--whether we like or not.
Your kids, your spouse, your co-workers, your friends have more than enough on their worry plates these days--they don't need to add you to the pile. Do them a favor and take care of your health--it's at least one thing you (mostly) have control over. And being in control of something, is the best mood lifter out there.
Daniel Gilbert: As Bad as Things Get--It Always Gets Better--It's the Uncertainty That's Making Us Miserable
I'm a research geek--I own up to it. Dan Gilbert, is the well-known Harvard research psychologist who specializes in figuring out what makes us happy and what makes us miserable. He's my go-to guy when I want an attitude adjustment. I hope his words can put into perspective whatever current worries happen to be on your plate this year.
What Gilbert learned when his own life fell apart. Or, how did he got into the happiness research business in the first place.
"Within a short period of time, my mentor passed away, my mother died, my marriage fell apart and my teenage son developed problems in school. What I soon found was that as bad as my situation was, it wasn't devastating. I went on.
One day, I had lunch with a friend who was also going through difficult times. I told him: "If you'd have asked me a year ago how I'd deal with all this, I'd have predicted that I couldn't get out of bed in the morning."
The truth is, bad things don't affect us as profoundly as we expect them to. That's true of good things, too. We adapt very quickly to either." Dan Gilbert
We're Clueless When It Comes to Our Own Worst Nightmares!
Think of your worst nightmare. The loss of your spouse, financial ruin, the unspeakable stuff I refuse to even write, a life-threatening disease. According to Gilbert, we're lousy predictors of our own unhappiness. When the unthinkable happens, we somehow get through it. He cites countless studies that show "a large majority of people who endure major trauma (wars, car accidents, rapes) in their lives will return successfully to their pre-trauma emotional states--and that many of them will report that they ended up happier than they were before the trauma."
How can that be?
For one thing, we change across time; the person you are when your are imaging what would happen if your nightmare came true, isn't the same person who ends up dealing with it first-hand. We learn to adapt--we just get used to things. And thankfully, we have a built-in "psychological immune system" that helps us through the big negative events like job loss, or the death of a spouse. Unfortunately, it doesn't work so well for the day-to-day insults, like car break-downs, and over-flowing toilets. That's where we do lose it.
We're also great at rationalizing. "It was a boring dead-end job, anyway. If I hadn't gotten laid-off I never would have had a chance to go back to school." "She never was right for me anyway." We have exceptional talent in finding ways to soften the blow.
And then there's the "I'm not the only one" trump card. If we've got buddies in the same boat--it's not so bad. When you're the only one in dire straits, that's a different story.
What Really Makes Us Unhappy is the Unknown
"An uncertain future leaves us stranded in an unhappy present with nothing to do but wait. That's because people feel worse when something bad might occur, than when something bad finally does occur. It's the not knowing that is making us sick." Daniel Gilbert
A University of Michigan study considered the emotional adjustment of colostomy patients. One group underwent permanent colostomies, another group had colostomies that might be reversed one day. Six months after the operations, those who had the permanent colostomies were happier than those who thought they could have a chance for reversal.
Why?
"Because when we get bad news we weep for a while, and then get busy making the best of it. We raise our consciousness and lower our standards. We find our bootstraps and tug. But we can't come to terms with circumstances whose terms we don't yet know. An uncertain future leaves us stranded in an unhappy present with nothing to do but wait." Daniel Gilbert
So, What Really Does Make Us the Happiest?
Here's what the research says. Pay attention and invest your time accordingly.
Yeah, we do need money, but not as much as we might think we need. If you're poor, a little money will absolutely buy a lot of happiness. And yes, we do all need the basics, like shelter, food, and some security. Those who think otherwise have never needed food stamps, been without health insurance, depended upon the generosity of family or friends, or lived for months on ramen noodles. But, after $75,000/a year, money won't buy you much more in the way of happiness--at least that's what Princeton economists say. Don't argue with me about that one.
"We know that the best predictor of human happiness is human relationships and the amount of time that people spend with family and friends.
We know that it's significantly more important than money and somewhat more important than health. That's what the data shows. The interesting thing is that people will sacrifice social relationships to get other things that won't make them as happy -- like money." Daniel Gilbert
Shopping for happiness?
Take the vacation, make a great gourmet meal and share it with friends, see a movie, play games with the fam. Forget about the expensive new couch or high-end car. Hands-down, the research says, we get more happiness from experiences than from durable goods. Read about one couple's experience living on way less.
"Another way I follow what I've learned from data is that I don't chase dollars. You couldn't pay me $100,000 to miss a play date with my granddaughters. That's not because I'm rich. That's because I know that a hundred grand won't make me as happy as nurturing my relationship with my granddaughters will." Daniel Gilbert
When in Doubt, Do the Positive! - Advice from Jeanne Marie Laskas
In the February 2011 issue of Prevention Jeanne Marie Laskas shares some wisdom she learned from her mom--another tool to put into our 2012 Toolbox.
"When in doubt, do the positive." This was my mother's favorite saying and a rule I live by. It's a handy one when you're faced with life's big dilemmas. Jeanne Marie Laskas
Laskas goes on to share the story of one of her life's "not-so-big dilemmas". She had a raging head cold. It was snowing to beat the band, and she was comfortably hunkered down--on the couch--in her bathrobe. She had no intentions of going out with her husband on that night to chaperone a Valentine's Day Dance for fifth and sixth graders.
There was no way she wanted to get off that couch--and she knew that no one would blame her for staying home--but then her husband pulled that "Do the Positive" card on her,
"When in doubt, do the positive. Remember? The positive is the active thing. Can't decide whether you're qualified for that new job? Just apply. Can't decide whether to go on that first blind date after a divorce or sit home in your pajamas? Go on the date."Jeanne Marie Laskas
Of course, Laskas goes to the dance. And it looks like it's going to be one big disastrous waste of her time. The kids aren't dancing--the boys are huddled in one group, the girls in another.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," my husband says. He pulls me onto the dance floor, twirls me to the growls of Lady Gaga. The kids are laughing, but then my husband does his Travolta spin, so I do a little hustle move, and soon the girls and some of the boys are out here with us, and the silliness of this night becomes a kind of freedom for us all.
The DJ "brings it down" to "Just the Way Your Are," and for the first time in more years than I care to count, I am dancing with my husband on Valentine's Day, cheek to cheek.
When in doubt, dance!" Jeanne Marie Laskas
That's exactly what I'll be doing tonight--this New Year's Eve 2012--dancing! We'll be joining at least six couples at our symphony hall for a bargain-priced evening that includes a Broadway musical performance, followed by some rock-n-roll dancing, noisemakers, and a kitschy balloon drop. So, we'll be dressed up and dancing tonight. When in doubt--do the positive--dance! What better way to ring in the the New Year?
When In Doubt - Do the Positive! advice from Jeanne Marie Laskas' mother
The best predictor of human happiness is human relationships and the amount of time that people spend with family and friends. Daniel Gilbert
"When you're down and troubled And you need a helping hand And nothing, whoa nothing is going right. Close your eyes and think of me And soon I will be there To brighten up even your darkest nights. You just call out my name, And you know whereever I am I'll come running, oh yeah baby To see you again." Carole King (sung by James Taylor)
Sitting silently beside a friend who is hurting may be the best gift we can give.Unknown
Happy New Year - 2012
Wishing You Health, Happiness, Love, Laughter, New Friendships & Learning Something New Everyday
Bet you can't read everything on this intriguing card! I know I couldn't.
So, I enlarged it--and was rewarded for my efforts. It's a hoot!
It may be tongue-in-cheek, but guess what? We're kind-of-living this greeting card message.
Lucky us, I say!
But, it took 40 years of practice--every day--to get there! Plus, lots of luck, the 5-1 ratio, & Bill Murray's Groundhog Day. More on that later.
In case you're wondering, the words in italics are how the Healthy Librarian & the Lab Rat stack up to the card's standards.
I WILL
Buy You Flowers For No Reason. Check! He's done that. A lot. I haven't. But, I buy him other surprises for no reason, that I know he'd appreciate.
Remind You That You're Good at Your Job. Check! For both of us--all the time. But, it's usually not about our "work" jobs--it's about other things we're good at.
Make Coffee For You Every Morning.Check--whoever is up first, makes the coffee!
Open The Door For You.Check! For both of us.
Not Roll My Eyes When You Talk About How Hot Tom Brady Is? Huh? Who's Tom Brady?
Be Vegan If You Want To Be Vegan. Check! We both were willing to give this one a try.
Cook For Your Book Club.Check! It's "our" book club--it's co-ed--and we both cook for it when it's at our house.
Wash Your Car For You.Check! He washes my car. I've never washed his. He's into car care--I'm not.
Rub Your Feet While We Watched House Hunter's International.Check! I kid you not--this actually happened this year--and, trust me, he must have really felt sorry for me to do this. Can't think of a show he hates more--and he's not a foot-rubber.
Let You Spend All Day Sunday In Front Of The TV. Check! Sure, why not? Occasionally. Sometimes a guy needs to veg-out without being nagged about it. But, TV's his thing--not mine.
Not Interrupt You! Hasn't happened yet-but we're working really hard on this one!
Where Did This Card Come From?
This adorable card illustrated Tara Parker Pope's December 11th, 2011 Sunday New York Times Magazine story, "The Generous Marriage".
So, what's a "generous marriage"--and why should we care?
This excerpt will give you the gist:
"Researchers from the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project recently studied the role of generosity in the marriages of 2,870 men and women.
Generosity was defined as “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly” — like simply making them coffee in the morning — and researchers quizzed men and women on how often they behaved generously toward their partners. How often did they express affection? How willing were they to forgive?
The responses went right to the core of their unions. Men and women with the highest scores on the generosity scale were far more likely to report that they were “very happy” in their marriages.
The benefits of generosity were particularly pronounced among couples with children. Among the parents who posted above-average scores for marital generosity, about 50 percent reported being “very happy” together. Among those with lower generosity scores, only about 14 percent claimed to be “very happy,” according to the latest “State of Our Unions” report from the National Marriage Project."
Then, I asked my husband to take it. I couldn't believe he didn't roll his eyes at that request--but he took the quiz. It helped that there are only 4 questions to answer!
Turned out we got the same score--a 17, I think. But, if you ask me, he's definitely the more generous one.
Here's what I wanted to tell Tara Parker-Pope after I read her article:
Love this study--and this column. Thanks, Tara. I'll try to be more generous.
Yikes--In about 2 weeks my husband & I will be married for 40 years.
He's incredibly generous--every day.
Last night he shared his Good & Plenty with me, at the movies, even though he only bought a small box because I swore I wasn't going to want any of it. No kidding--that's generous!
Whoever gets up last--makes the bed. Whoever gets up first makes the coffee in the morning. Whoever has the time, does the grocery shopping, makes dinner, or cleans the house.
He knows the stuff I hate to do--so he'll just do it for me. Car stuff. Lawn stuff. Money stuff.
I'll do the the stuff he hates to do.Make the phone calls. Keep in touch with the relatives. Make the social plans. Buy the presents, the cards, do the non-guy-type shopping.
He'd deny it, but, honestly, I think he's more generous to me, than I am to him--but, I always keep a look-out for what I can do for him.
So Why I'm I Bringing Up "The Generous Marriage"?
Yesterday Was Our 40th Wedding Anniversary & I Think It's Excellent Advice!
Yesterday was our "official" 40th anniversary, and we celebrated it in our style--low-key, no hoopla---just a spur-of-the-moment dinner with old friends at a very hip restaurant that has something for everyone--the vegans and the serious meaters.
Two of our college friends were already visiting us over the extended Christmas weekend (which, BTW, is why you haven't seen any posts from me lately!)--and we asked two of our other long-time in-town friends to join in the celebration.
Both couples were at our wedding forty years ago. This summer they will celebrate their 40th wedding anniversaries. All of us were 22 year-old kids when we got married; and we all started our families around age 30--about 8 years later--thankfully, after we grew up a little!
We've been together through the good times & the bad. Through celebrations, graduations, weddings, babies, illnesses, disappointments, and the deaths of our parents. We've got history. Like 43 years worth.
You're Looking at 118 Years of Marriage (L-R: Bob, Babs, Lab Rat, Me, Lee, Marge)
Everyone Has Advice About What Makes a Good Marriage.
But, I'm Still Sticking With What I Wrote on Our 37th Anniverary, Three Years Ago:
What's the Secret of a Good Marriage? Luck, the 5-1 Ratio & Bill Murray's Groundhog Day!
A reposting from:
December 26, 2008
Happy Anniversary - Secrets of a Good Marriage - Luck, the 5-1 Ratio & Bill Murray's Groundhog Day
"Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry."
-Tom Mullen-
"Life is a Life-changing Experience"
-Harry Shearer-
Today is our 37th wedding anniversary! Yikes! Where did the time go? We were both only 20 years old when we first met. We literally grew up together. And now we are into the dessert course of marriage--the best part!
My husband is the funniest person I knew. He makes me laugh everyday, really! He's also the most trustworthy person I know. Except when he's being the most annoying person I know.
When I asked him what superlatives he would give me, he answered instantly, "You're the nicest person I now. And the kindest. Except when you're being the most annoying person I know. You're also funny, but not the funniest person I know. Sorry."
So what's the secret to a happy marriage? I wouldn't presume to answer that question for anyone but us, but I figure you need 3 things going for you:
Good luck in who you choose and good luck in the curve balls life will surely throw you.
The 5-1 ratio. Your nice-to-nasty ratio must be 5-1! It really works!
John Gottman's pioneering research on marriages suggests that there is a "magic ratio" of 5 to 1 -- in terms of our balance of positive to negative interactions. Gottman found that marriages are significantly more likely to succeed when the couple's interactions are near that 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative. When the ratio approaches 1 to 1, marriages "cascade to divorce."
The Bill Murray Groundhog Day Principle. If you stay married long enough, and keep repeating the same stupid mistakes over & over again, you finally get it right! The light bulb will go on & you'll figure out what works & what doesn't. Ditch what's not working.
For instance:
I am spatially-challenged, so my husband has quit relying on me to help him move furniture through narrow doorways or going up & down stairs.
My husband is directionally-challenged (as in maps) so I'm the directions person, & I make sure I know exactly where we are going.
I love to hike, but I'll pass on backpacking--why would you want to ruin a perfectly good hike carrying 50 lbs. on your back? So he goes with a friend.
He's not into going to lectures on weeknights--I go with friends.
He got tired of listening to me whine & he finally learned to dance--and loves it.
He knows I hate to read technical manuals, so he'll just read them for me.
Nagging never works! (I'm still working on this one.) Sounds simple enough, but like Bill Murray, it took us years to figure these little things out.
"Making the best of what we have....is not second best. It is rather, a demand for active engagement in caring for what and whom we value.
That is what's touching about Groundhog Day. Our trapped weatherman has to learn this the hard way. His life is reduced to one inescapable day. It's the entire deck he's been dealt, the allotment of flowers he can arrange, the cast of characters in his life.
He goes through stages of feeling trapped, depressed, and living as if there's no tomorrow. He finally comes to the not-so-profound-but-still-pretty-rare realization that he can change his world by changing himself.
..it's about making the best of what you have...over and over. Making small repairs and improvements so that the commitments of midlife--the work you do and people you love--don't become a trap. They become and remain the town in which you choose to live even when you have options."
Back in May 2008, in honor of a very special wedding in Chicago I did a little thinking about what I'd learned after almost 37 years of marriage.
Laugh a lot, touch a lot, show affection & give each other compliments! It's the WD-40 of marriage.
When your spouse asks for your help or needs you to show up--Do it!
When your spouse needs to talk--Listen.
When it's important to speak your mind--Speak up.
Know when it's important to keep quiet.
Cut each other some slack.
Learn to dance.
Get into the habit of taking walks-it's the best time to talk.
Listen to your spouse. Shut up and listen, every day, for at least a half hour a day. Ask pertinent questions. Remember the answers. Keep notes if necessary. Your children depend on your relationship with your spouse. Make sure your marital relationship is solid and your kids will be fine.
For men: if your wife is looking miserable, ask her to tell you what’s wrong and keep asking until she spills her guts. WHATEVER it was, it will no longer make her miserable because she has talked about it with you. This is the magic key to making women happy. Flowers are always nice too!.
Rest. Sundays are good if only because other people may be doing the same thing. But any day is fine. Rest is essential to everything else you care about. Without rest, the fragility of your life will be front and center; with rest, you have a savings account of energy from which to draw to help out others. Make it religious in the sense you ALWAYS take rest at least once a week.
My Wish for Dave & Emily back in May 2008, is exactly what came true for us!
Outrageous & memorable adventures
Wonderful friends
Good health
Work that you're passionate about
Enough of life's challenges to make you stronger, wiser, and kinder
Kids who are above average, sleep through the night, are easy-going and lots of fun
The gift of balancing your life, your work and your family
Enough money to feel both secure and generous. Not so much that you become out-of-touch & spoiled.
The knowledge that it's your friends, family & experiences that will bring you your greatest joys. Invest your time and money accordingly.
But, I'd love it if you'd click that thumbs-up LIKE Button on the top of page, and join in the conversation.
Now It's Your Turn. What's Secrets of a Good Marriage Would You Share with a Newly-Married Couple? Click here, and scroll to the bottom of the page to leave a comment.
"Interestingly, a project has been going on for the past 6 years that systematically collects and shares the life wisdom of older people. The Cornell Legacy Project has collected and shared the lessons of over 1200 elders. There's a web site with archived lessons, and a book just published called "30 Lessons for Living." We can't have too many people working on this important issue! Here's the Legacy Project site: http://legacyproject.human.cornell.edu (The Healthy Librarian's advice to you): visit this site for a treasure trove of wisdom)
That was two weeks ago.
Late on Saturday afternoon, I literally ran into my public library before it closed to pick up some Mo Willems picture books to read over the internet to my grandson.
Before leaving the library, I took a quick look at the New Non-Fiction shelf. And there it was.30 Lessons for Living. Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans, by Karl Pillemer.
"Was this the same book I received a comment about two week ago? " I wondered. I wasn't quite sure. I get a lot of email.
I grabbed it off the shelf--and I still can't put it down.
This book is a gem. A road map for living. A guidebook written by seasoned travelers.
I showed it to one of my wisest friends--the one I'd go to for advice. She couldn't put it down either--and she immediately ordered a copy from the library.
I'm sending copies to my 20- & 30-something kids--but please don't spoil the surprise!
It's exactly the book I wish I had in my twenties.
When David Brooks of the New York Times recently asked the over-70 set to send him their own "Life Reports" , many of them told him:
It's too bad we have to make our most important decisions in our 20's, at the age when we're least qualified to do so. (Healthy Librarian's comment: No way around this one. In our 20's we often choose our career paths and our mates--decide where we'll live & whether or not to have children. Crazy! If only we knew then, what we know now--hindsight is 20-20. It's the luck of the draw at age twenty--my advice is to seek counsel from people who are wise, happy, honest, self-aware, & successful--and I mean "successful" in the broadest sense of the word.)
What is the Cornell University Legacy Project?
The Legacy Project has systematically collected practical advice from over 1500 older Americans who have lived through extraordinary experiences and historical events. They offer tips on surviving and thriving despite the challenges we all encounter.
The project, which began in 2004, interviewed senior Americans across the U.S--folks of widely different educational, vocational, religious, economic, & religious backgrounds. But yet, looking back on their lives--many of them offer similar advice.
In seeking out elders to interview, Karl Pillemer asked individuals & organizations to recommend people over 65 who they considered to be particularly wise. His idea was to collect the wisdom of our elders before they were gone--and systematically harvest the advice they collectively share.
Think of it as the most useful & fascinating research project you'll read. A travel guide to a land called, "Life".
The project sought the wisdom of the Greatest Generation, those who have survived the most difficult of times--the Depression, job pressures, the Holocaust, challenging childhoods, World War II, prejudices of all kinds, illnesses, life's toughest challenges--and yet, went on to live rewarding & fulfilling lives.
Who is Karl Pillemer, Ph.D.?
The Legacy Project is the brain child of Karl Pillemer, who started it six years ago, when he turned fifty. And who could be more qualified to run this project? He's a professor of human development in the College of Human Ecology at Cornell University, and Professor of Gerontology in Medicine at the Weill Cornell Medical College. He's also a self-described, "self-help junkie"--who says that what he's learned from these interviews has changed his life.
Thirty Lessons for Living video Click here if you don't see the video on the screen)
I'll say it again.
This book is a gem--it feels just like having an intimate conversation with your closest friends or siblings--when you share your deepest concerns, worries, and secrets--and listen to their trusted advice.
Don't think for a moment that these refrigerator lists I've posted will teach you everything you can learn from these wise elders. Not by a long shot!
Borrow or buy the book and snuggle up in a comfy chair & just enjoy every morsel.
Side Note: I hardly slept last night, because this book made me think about my own journey, the choices I have made, and how my parents' lives have shaped many of those choices.
I was thirty years old with an infant, when at age 69, my wise & gentle dad had a massive global stroke--that he survived for 16 years. His illness impacted my entire family--especially my wise, kind, uncomplaining mom. Click here to learn more. My parents' lives taught me to:
Act now like you will need your body for a hundred years
Time is of the essence
Say yes to opportunities
Travel more
Stay connected
Happiness is a choice, not a condition
Think small
Say it now
Refrigerator Advice from the Wisest Americans
Lessons for a Happy Marriage - Great Together
(My wise friend's favorites--and my own, are in red)
1.Marry someone a lot like you. Similarity in core values & background is the key to a happy marriage. And forget about changing someone after marriage.
2. Friendship is as important as romantic love. Heart-thumping passion has to undergo a metamorphosis in lifelong relationships. Marry some for whom you feel deep friendship as well as love.
3. Don't keep score. Don't take the attitude that marriage must always be a fifty-fifty propostition; you can't get out exactly what you put in. The key to success is having both partners try to give more than they get out of the relationship. (Read the Generous Marriage in the NYT's December 8, 2011--and take the quick quiz to find out how generous you are. My husband & I both took the quiz--not surprised that the results were similar--although I think he's a lot more generous than I am.)
4. Talk to each other. Marriage to the strong, silent type can be deadly to a relationship. Long-term married partners are talkers (at least to one another, and about things that count.)
5. Don't just commit to your partner--commit to marriage itself. Make a commitment to the idea of marriage and take it seriously. There are enormous benefits to seeing the marriage as bigger than the immediate needs of each partner.
Lessons for a Successful & Fulfilling Career - Glad to Get Up in the Morning
1. Choose a career for the intrinsic rewards, not the financial ones. The biggest career mistake people make is selecting a profession based only on potential earnings. A sense of purpose and passion for one's work beats a bigger paycheck any day.
2. Don't give up on looking for a job that makes you happy. According to the experts, persistence is the key to finding a job you love. Don't give up easily.
3. Make the most of a bad job. If you find yourself in a less-than-ideal work situation, don't waste the experience; many experts learned invaluable lessons from a bad job.
4. Emotional intelligence trumps every other kind. Develop your interpersonal skills if you want to succeed in the workplace. Even people in the most technical professions have their careers torpedoed if they lack emotional intelligence.
5. Everyone needs autonomy. Career satisfaction is often dependent on how much autonomy your have on the job. Look for the freedom to make decisions and move in directions that interest you, without too much control from the top.
Lessons for a Lifetime of Parenting - Nobody's Perfect
1. It's all about time. Sacrifice if necessary to spend the maximum amount of time possible with your children. You and your children need to be together in the flow of daily household life and not just during planned "quality time". (Read the story of my own family's shorter work week and how we had more time for the kids)
2. It's normal to have favorites, but never show it. Accept that you may have favorites among your children, but do not ever let them know.
3. Don't hit your kids. Discipline your children in a loving, respecful way that excludes physical punishment (no matter how tempting it may be in the short term.)
4. Avoid a rift at all costs. Do everything necessary to avoid a permanent rift with a child--even if it requires compromise on a parent's part.
5. Take a lifelong view of relationships with children. Parenthood goes on long after kids leave home, so make decisions when they are young that will lead to positive relationships in the second half of life.
Lessons for Aging Fearlessly and Well - Find the Magic
1. Being old is much better than you think. Don't waste your time worrying about getting old. It can be a time of opportunity, adventure, and growth. See it as a quest, not an end.
2. Act now like you will need your body for a hundred years. Stop using "I don't care how long I live" as an excuse for bad health habits. Behaviors like smoking, poor eating habits, and inactivity are less likely to kill you than to sentence you to years or decades of chronic disease. Think walkers, wheelchairs, nursing homes, incontinence, dementia, oxygen, social isolation, and years of dependence.
3. Don't worry about dying--the experts don't. Don't spend a lot of time fretting about your own mortality. What the experts recommend is careful planning and organization for the end of life.
4. Stay connected. Take seriously the threat of social isolation in middle age and beyond, and make conscious efforts beginning in middle age to stay connected through new learning opportunities and relationships.
5. Plan ahead about where you will live (and your parents too). Don't let fears and prejudices deter you or your older relatives from considering a move to a senior living community. Such a move often opens up opportunities for better living, rather than limiting them.
Lessons for Living a Life without Regrets - I Can Look Everyone in the Eye
1. Always be honest. Avoid acts of dishonesty, both big and small. Most people suffer from serious regret later in life if they have been less than "fair and square".
2. Say yes to opportunies. When offered a new opportunity or challenge, you are much less likely to regret saying yes and more likely to regret turning it down. (from David Brooks' Life Reports II: Lean toward risk. "Many more seniors regret the risks they didn’t take than regret the ones they did.")
3. Travel more. Travel while you can, sacrificing other things if necessary to do so. Most people look back on their travel adventures (big and small) as highlights of their lives and regret not having traveled more.
4. Choose a mate with extreme care. The key is not to rush the decision, taking all the time needed to get to know the prospective partner and to determine your compatibility over the long term.
5. Say it now. People wind up saying the sad words "it might have been" by failing to express themselves before it's too late. Don't believe the "ghost whispererer"--the only time you can share your deepest feelings is while people are still alive.
Sharing a secret: Go easy on yourself regarding the mistakes and bad choices you have made. A person with no second thoughts about anything he or she has done is probably someone who hasn't taken many chances in life--which is something worth regretting. Forgive youself. Be gentle with yourself.
Lessons for Living Like an Expert - Choose Happiness
1. Time is of the essence. Live as though life is short--because it is. The point is not to be depressed by this knowledge but to act on it, making sure to do important things now.
2. Happiness is a choice, not a condition. Happiness isn't a condition that occurs when circumstances are perfect or nearly so. Sooner of later you need to make a deliberate choice to be happy in spite of challenges and difficulties.
3. Time spent worrying is time wasted. Stop worrying. Or at least cut down. It's a colossal waste of your precious lifetime.
4.Think small. When it comes to making the most of your life, think small. Attune yourself to simple daily pleasures and learn to savor them now.
5. Have faith. A faith life promotes well-being, and being part of a religious community offers unique support during life crises. But how and what you worship s up to you.
Please share your own hard-won wisdom of hindsight & life experience.
I'd love to hear what the 20-somethings & the 80-somethings think of these 30 Lessons for Living. And everyone in-between.
And a big thank you to Karl Pillemer for dreaming up this project & sharing it with all of us!
Enjoy exactly where you are now--whatever your age or circumstances. It's OK to be young--and it's OK to be old.
And, if you're so lucky, enjoy the piles of dirty laundry gathering on the floor from the kids and grandkids and company when they come to visit & bring their messes!
-Dr. George Vaillant, the Grant Study's lead investigator for the last 42 years-
If you received this post via email, click here to get to the web version with all the links.
By 2:30 pm on this post-Thanksgiving Sunday, the last of my kids had headed out the door for the long journey home. Car travel with the same challenges of everyday life. Constant rain. Terrible traffic. A fender bender. Crying, wet, & hungry children.
And my husband & I leisurely started the "Great Post-Holiday Clean-Up".
Thanks to Dr. George Vaillant, I've completely reframed dirty laundry, toy-strewn floors, poopy diapers, 10 pairs of shoes at the doorway, and messy houses to mean, "Happiness, joy, family, and good times." Really!
It's not often that I'm so deeply touched by (& actually remember) the lessons of a long-running sociological study--but the Grant Study is one that keeps echoing in my head. The picture of piles of shoes at the door & the piles of laundry in the basement is what does it for me. This past weekend was no exception.
"Is there a formula--some mix of love, work, and psychological adaptation--for a good life? For 72 years, researchers at Harvard have been examining this question, following 268 men who entered college in the late 1930s through war, career, marriage and divorce, parenthood and grandparenthood, and old age."
Eleven Grant Study Lessons for Twenty-Somethings to Ninety-Somethings
1. Age 25-35 is the toughest for virtually everyone. It's scary stuff--what will I amount to? But all you need is to give it time--things will work out! It's not about keeping up with the Joneses or how much money you're making. (H.L. I keep reminding my kids about this one!)
2. Emotional crises, pain & deprivation are "analogous" to the involuntary grace by which an oyster, coping with an irritating grain of sand, creates a pearl. Humans, too, when confronted with irritants, engage in unconscious but often creative behavior."
3. "Pessimists seemed to suffer physically in comparison with optimists--perhaps because they're less likely to connect with others or care for themselves."
4. Relationships Rule! "It is social aptitude, not intellectual brilliance or parental social class, that lead to successful aging." Warm connections are necessary--and it doesn't have to be from mom or dad--it can be with siblings, uncles, friends, or mentors.
5. Relationships at age 47 predicted late-life adjustment better than any other variable, except defenses.
6. Good sibling relationships. Getting along with your brothers & sisters is especially powerful: 93% of the men who were thriving at age 65 had been close to a brother or sister when younger.
7. Between ages 50-75 Life Improves. Altruism & humor grow. The negative unhealthy behaviors start to diminish.
8. Gratitude and joy, over time, will yield better health and deeper connections--but in the short-term, they do put us at risk, because they expose us to rejection & heartbreak.
9. What's the most important lesson that Vaillant (the lead investigator) has learned from the study? "That the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people."
10. Happiness is about playing and working and loving. And loving is the most important of them all. Happiness is love. Full stop.
11. Enjoy exactly where you are now--whatever your age or circumstances. It's OK to be young--and it's OK to be old.
I planned to write all about "Feeding the Family for Five Days--the Winners & Losers in the Thanksgiving Food Fest". No worries, I haven't given up that plan. I still want to share the recipes that we liked best--and give you a "heads-up" on what needed improvement.
But, then I read David Brooks' column , "The Life Reports II", this morning--and I was on to a more important tack than food.
Life Lessons from folks over seventy.
Notice some of the similarities to the Grant Study.
David Brooks wrote: "A few weeks ago, I asked people over 70 to send me “Life Reports” — essays about their own lives and what they’d done poorly and well.
1. Beware of rumination. Steer clear of obsessively over-analyzing every emotion, relationship, slight, setback, or disappointment. Balanced thoughtful self-examination is a good thing. Rumination is not.
The ruminating essayists "often did not lead the happiest or most fulfilling lives. It’s not only that they were driven to introspection by bad events. Through self-obsession, they seemed to reinforce the very emotions, thoughts and habits they were trying to escape." (H.L. Very similar to #3 of the Grant Study lessons.)
2. Sometime Self-Deception is a good thing. Think of it as optimism. "Many of the most impressive people, on the other hand, were strategic self-deceivers. When something bad was done to them, they forgot it, forgave it or were grateful for it. When it comes to self-narratives, honesty may not be the best policy." (H.L. I'm a huge fan of looking for the silver-lining. Notice how similar this is to #2 in the Grant Study lessons?)
3. You can't control other people. One of Brooks' essayists, "David Leshan made an observation that was echoed by many: 'It took me twenty years of my fifty-year marriage to discover how unwise it was to attempt to remake my wife. ... I learned also that neither could I remake my friends or students.'" (H.L. Amen to David Leshan!)
4. Lean toward risk. "Many more seniors regret the risks they didn’t take than regret the ones they did." (H.L. I readily admit it. I'm risk-averse, but have to agree with this one. I've almost always been rewarded when I've taken a risk. Like in this post from 3 1/2 years ago: Worried, Nervous, Anxious, Afraid? Remember - Courage Comes With Practice!) "There's no doubt about it---Everything wonderful & memorable in my life has come when I pushed beyond my fears, covered my eyes, held my nose & took a leap. Well, on second thought, maybe not everything. A lot of good things have come because I'm sensible, not a risk-taker, and cautious. It's all about balance. Courage coupled with common-sense.)
5. Measure people by their growth rate, not by their talents. Live your life with relentless self-expansion. I like the sound of that! According to Brooks, "the best essays were written by people who made steady progress each decade." Who wants to reach their peak in high school or college? (H.L. I'm hoping I'll reach my stride by age 75.)
6. Be aware of the generational bias. This one didn't surprise me much. Most of Brooks' post-70-something essayists "had ambivalent attitudes toward their parents." It really was a different generation. "Many writers mentioned that given their own flaws, they are astounded that their kids turned out so well." (H.L. I agree with them--and many of my friends say the same about their kids.)
7. Work within institutions or crafts, not outside them. "For a time, our culture celebrated the rebel and the outsider. The most miserable of my correspondents fit this mold. They were forever in revolt against the world and ended up sourly achieving little."
8. It's too bad we have to make our most important decisions in our 20's, at the age when we're least qualified to do so. (H.L. No way around this one. In our 20's we often choose our career paths and our mates--decide where we'll live & whether or not to have children. Crazy! If only we knew then, what we know now--hindsight is 20-20. It's the luck of the draw at age twenty--my advice is to seek counsel from people who are wise, happy, honest, self-aware, & successful--and I mean "successful" in the broadest sense of the word.)
9. People get better at the art of living. "By their 60s many contributors found their zone. Metaphysics is dead; very few of the writers hewed to a specific theology or had any definite conception of a divine order, though vague but uplifting spiritual experiences pepper their reflections." (H.L. Exactly what we learned from the Grant Study. Between ages 50-75 Life Improves. Altruism & humor grow. The negative unhealthy behaviors start to diminish.)
10. Finding the balance between hard-earned realism, self-preservation, generosity, & being present for others in our life. Brooks is disturbed by the contradictory philosophies many essayists wrote about. "For example, we are told to live for others. But one savvy retiree writes, 'Don’t stay with people who, over time, grow apart from you. Move on. This means do what you think will make you feel okay — even if that makes others feel temporarily not okay.'” Is that selfishness, Brooks wonders. (H.L. I don't have a problem with these contradictions. Common sense & balance in all things! It's possible to hold 2 contradictory outlooks in your hand at the same time--and use them "as necessary". Isn't this the same sage advice of Hillel? If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?)
I'd love to hear your feedback on both the Grant Study Lessons, and Brooks' Life Reports II.
Have any of them proven true in your life? Or not.
Any guiding life lessons or rules you can share with us?
If you received this post via email, click here, to go to the web version with all the links.
The kids are all arriving this afternoon.
As I laid in bed this morning, I wasn't thinking about all the final preps I needed to do for Thanksgiving.
I was thinking about all the things I'm thankful for. Honestly, I couldn't stop. There is just way too much to be grateful for. From my absolutely wonderful husband, my family, my friends, my health, getting to know the Esselstyns & changing what I eat, my job, all the positive feedback I get from generous blog readers---to the view out my window, my public library, my warm bed, a toilet that flushes, running water, a car that works, the umbrella I found in my car yesterday when it was pouring...
The list just goes on & on.
And I promptly told my husband how grateful I was for him. He squinted at me & said, "OK, what are you trying to get me to do, now?" "Nothing--I mean it!! I'm so grateful that you're in my life!" I said.
You see, two days ago I read John Tierney's article, "A Serving of Gratitude May Save the Day," in THE SCIENCE SECTION of the New York Times--yep, you heard that right. An article on gratitude in the science section. Huh? What's up with that?
Tierney cites a number of reearch studies that conclude: developing the habit of thankfulness is a sure-fire way to quell anxiety, neutralize anger & bitterness, increase happiness, eliminate depression, and help you to sleep better.
Who doesn't want more of that!
Yes, yes, I know. This isn't new stuff. We have Dr. Martin Seligman, of the University of Pennsylvania, to thank for getting the research on positive psychology rolling. Thank you, Dr. Seligman!
Thanksgving--the Day to Begin the Gratitude Attitude
OK--I'm going to wrap this up quickly. I still have to make the cranberry relish, roasted mushroom soup, & country meatless loaf!
Just read the whole article--it's pretty short--and besides, it's a fun read. You need a break about now, anyway!
For me, the best part of the article was how "mood changing" it is to be thoughtful & generous to each other--with our words and actions. Just telling someone that: they look great, they did an awesome job--and you noticed it!, you appreciate what they did, you're grateful for their help, the time or the attention they gave to you, you value their opinions, you're so happy they're your friend, you love the card/email/article/whatever they sent you, or you're thankful they're a part of your life. You get the picture.
I have two friends--in particular--who do this all the time. They're generous with their praise, time, enthusiasm, compliments, hugs, & warmth. They're my role models. Both of them have had serious trials & difficulties in their lives. But, yet, they're the happiest people I know. And they make friends with everyone who touches their lives--from the grocery store clerk, to their hair stylist, to the janitors where they work.
Amazing women. Thank you both!
The Tierney Nugget I Love Most
Try it on your family.
No matter how dysfunctional your family, gratitude can still work, says Sonja Lyubomirsky of the University of California, Riverside.
“Do one small and unobtrusive thoughtful or generous thing for each member of your family on Thanksgiving,” she advises.
“Say thank you for every thoughtful or kind gesture. Express your admiration for someone’s skills or talents — wielding that kitchen knife so masterfully, for example. And truly listen, even when your grandfather is boring you again with the same World War II story.”
Don’t counterattack.
If you’re bracing for insults on Thursday, consider a recent experiment at the University of Kentucky. After turning in a piece of writing, some students received praise for it while others got a scathing evaluation: “This is one of the worst essays I’ve ever read!”
Then each student played a computer game against the person who’d done the evaluation. The winner of the game could administer a blast of white noise to the loser. Not surprisingly, the insulted essayists retaliated against their critics by subjecting them to especially loud blasts — much louder than the noise administered by the students who’d gotten positive evaluations.
But there was an exception to this trend among a subgroup of the students: the ones who had been instructed to write essays about things for which they were grateful. After that exercise in counting their blessings, they weren’t bothered by the nasty criticism — or at least they didn’t feel compelled to amp up the noise against their critics.
“Gratitude is more than just feeling good,” says Nathan DeWall, who led the study at Kentucky.
“It helps people become less aggressive by enhancing their empathy.
“It’s an equal-opportunity emotion. Anyone can experience it and benefit from it, even the most crotchety uncle at the Thanksgiving dinner table.”
Share the feeling. Why does gratitude do so much good? “More than other emotion, gratitude is the emotion of friendship,” Dr. McCullough says. “It is part of a psychological system that causes people to raise their estimates of how much value they hold in the eyes of another person.
Gratitude is what happens when someone does something that causes you to realize that you matter more to that person than you thought you did.”
And Finally - How Howard White Changed My Life
Last thing. I promise. This is a repeat of one of my favorite posts. Howard White made I huge impression on me--and I want to pass it on--in case you've never seen this post--or have forgotten about it.
The Power of Hello - A Lesson from Howard White and His Mother
Originally posted on HHLL October 20, 2008
“I speak to everyone I see, no matter where I am. I've learned that speaking to people creates a pathway into their world, and it lets them come into mine.”
-Howard White, Vice President of Nike's Jordan Brand & "This I Believe" essay author-
I had never heard of Howard White or his mother before today. When I read his NPR "This I Believe" essay I realized he learned something from his mom, that I learned from my sons.
In my younger, shyer, self-conscious, more insecure days I admit to not always saying, "Hello" to people I knew, let alone strangers. Sometimes I was in too much of a hurry--or it felt too awkward to say hello to someone I didn't know well to start with, or hadn't seen in years. Or I didn't want to have to answer a lot of questions. It was a nasty habit. I even admit to occasionally pretending to be engrossed in a conversation with someone else, just so that I could avoid saying, "Hello" to someone else. Ick!!
But something switched in my brain over the years. Here's a case where my kids taught me how to behave. I noticed that as they got older they knew everyone--and they made an easy practice of talking to strangers. They had no problem traveling by themselves to foreign countries and they met people wherever they went.
I decided I wanted to be like them. And I decided to start with baby steps. (ignore the similarity to Bill Murray's "What about Bob?") First I would say hello by name to all the service people I meet up with everyday. Tina at the dry cleaners, Sid and Nancy at the gym, Marcy at the library, and Debby at the grocery store.
Then I decided it was time to introduce myself. I knew their names. They should know mine. I really started to enjoy life in the "up close and personal zone". And I made it a rule to never miss an opportunity to say, "Hello".
From there I progressed to striking up conversations with people I saw everyday in passing at work, in the locker room, or in my exercise classes, but hadn't actually spoken to before. All of sudden I knew about the lives, interests, and families of scores of people who I had never talked to before.
I was never a person "who made the first move." Turns out, most people are that way, and someone has to "make the first move," or relationships don't happen.
A couple of people who I had mistakenly thought were sourpusses were nothing of the sort. They were friendly interesting engaging people who just don't say "Hello" to people they don't know. They were just like I was.
Today, I can't imagine greeting everyone with whom I make eye contact, at least with a smile. (well, within reason--I am sensible--after all) Grocery lines, movie lines, restroom lines, ferry boats--all are opportunities to learn something new.
____________________________________________________________________________________________ Howard White says it a lot better than I can. His original essay was read on NPR on August 14, 2008.
The Power of 'Hello' by Howard White
I work at a company where there are about a gazillion employees. I can't say that I know them all by name, but I know my fair share of them. I think that almost all of them know me. I'd say that's the reason I've been able to go wherever it is I've made it to in this world. It's all based on one simple principle: I believe every single person deserves to be acknowledged, however small or simple the greeting.
When I was about 10 years old, I was walking down the street with my mother. She stopped to speak to Mr. Lee. I was busy trying to bulls-eye the "O" in the stop sign with a rock. I knew I could see Mr. Lee any old time around the neighborhood, so I didn't pay any attention to him.
After we passed Mr. Lee, my mother stopped me and said something that has stuck with me from that day until now. She said, "You let that be the last time you ever walk by somebody and not open up your mouth to speak, because even a dog can wag its tail when it passes you on the street."
That phrase sounds simple, but it's been a guidepost for me and the foundation of who I am.
When you write an essay like this, you look in the mirror and see who you are and what makes up your character. I realized mine was cemented that day when I was 10 years old. Even then, I started to see that when I spoke to someone, they spoke back. And that felt good.
It's not just something I believe in; it's become a way of life. I believe that every person deserves to feel someone acknowledge their presence, no matter how humble they may be or even how important.
At work, I always used to say hello to the founder of the company and ask him how our business was doing. But I was also speaking to the people in the cafe and the people that cleaned the buildings, and asked how their children were doing. I remembered after a few years of passing by the founder, I had the courage to ask him for a meeting. We had a great talk. At a certain point, I asked him how far he thought I could in go in his company. He said, "If you want to, you can get all the way to this seat."
I've become vice president, but that hasn't changed the way I approach people. I still follow my mother's advice. I speak to everyone I see, no matter where I am. I've learned that speaking to people creates a pathway into their world, and it lets them come into mine, too.
The day you speak to someone who has their head held down and when they lift it up and smile, you realize how powerful it is just to open your mouth and say, "Hello."
Postscript:
In March of 2010, this post received the following comment from a HHLL reader.
I work on the Nike HQ campus, and see Mr. White frequently in the cafeteria. I had no idea who he was, but I can tell you he really does practice this. He is always on the alert to say hello! BTW he also is a very snazzy dresser. A vivid and bright personality all the way around!
Real Life Adventures 10/24/11 by Gary Wise & Lance Aldrich
If you received this post via email, click here to get to the web version with all the links.
It was my first full week back at home since Oct. 1.
Monday morning didn't exactly start out like I had planned.
I stayed up way too late on Sunday night. And I had to be up at 6:00 am to get to work on time. I really need 8 hours of sleep at night--not 6--to be at the top of my game. What was I thinking going to bed at midnight?
The morning was pitch black, rainy, cold, and I would have loved nothing better than to just stay in bed an hour longer. But, I couldn't.
So, I got out of bed, & went down to the basement to get my gym clothes. That's when I spotted a dead mouse on the floor--and it wasn't in a trap! Ugh! Was this an omen for the day? I screamed and my husband came running. Gotta love that guy!
Not enough time to wash my hair--you know how all that blow-drying-styling routine is a huge time suck. Only enough time for a shower and a quick spritz of water on my flat hair & hope no one notices. Why didn't I wash my hair at night?
But Then My Day Got a Whole Lot Better!
1. I made fresh coffee. That always helps.
2. I had a big batch of delicious "already-made" oatmeal in the fridge. My quickie version of Mike's Quick Kick A** Thai Peanut Butter Chili Oatmeal with Greens. Get the recipe here!
3. Lucky me, I also had all the fixings ready to make a quick lunch. Ezekiel Bread, avocado, tomato, & a batch of scrumptious tempeh "bacon". Get the Fakin' Tempeh Bacon recipe here!
4. My husband had made a big batch of Green Smoothies in the VitaMix, and said, "Help yourself!" Gotta love that guy! He's not always this generous with his Green Smoothies.
5. I packed my gym bag & headed out the door. My plan was to make a 6:00 PM class after work. This is a new offering--and the perfect combo for me. My favorite instructor--Beth. 45 minutes of spinning, following by 30 minutes of serious strength training. Just so you know--I hardly ever make "after work" exercise classes. I rarely leave work on time.
6. The ride in to work. For once, traffic flowed. No slow trucks. No school busses. I made the lights. And decided to take a detour that avoided a huge traffic jam down the hill into work. Things were looking up.
How Monday Played Out - Like a Rock/Siegel Healthy Mind Platter Kind-of-Day
Focus Time.When we closely focus on tasks in a goal-oriented way, taking on challenges that make deep connections in the brain. (Rock & Siegel)
I've been away from work a lot this month. Needless to say, I had a lot of work to catch up on, and getting behind always makes me feel crazy-anxious-impatient. But, I somehow lucked out, & was able to cross off quite a bit of the tasks on my must-do list yesterday.
I made a huge dent in my backlog of work projects yesterday--which cleared out some brain space for "new projects"--not to mention the on-going projects that have been on the back-burner with all my recent traveling.
When a physician asked me yesterday if I could help him with the background research for a study to find out if a plant-based no-added oil diet could benefit rheumatoid arthritis, guess what I said? And at the end of the day, I even had some time to start working on it.
Play Time.When we allow ourselves to be spontaneous or creative, playfully enjoying novel experiences, which helps make new connections in the brain. (Rock & Siegel)
I'm excited! I finally registered for the Wellness Forum's Fall Weekend coming up on November 11-13. A weekend with Dr. T. Colin Campbell, Dr. Caldwell & Ann Esselstyn, Dr. Janice Stanger, Dr. Ralph Moss, Chef AJ, and more. Read more here. Dr. Campbell will be talking about his new book and Dr. Esselstyn will share the results of hundreds of patients who have followed his diet.
This really will be a "play time" weekend, because yesterday I found out that 5 or 6 of my friends have also registered for the weekend.
Physical Time.When we move our bodies, aerobically if possible, which strengthens the brain in many ways. (Rock & Siegel)
After running on 6 hours of sleep, by 5 o'clock I was ready to skip that planned "after work" workout. But I forged ahead. To get to the Spin/Strength class I needed to be changed into my workout clothes, and leaving work by 5:10 pm.
It didn't happen. A co-worker stopped by to share happy news. I wasn't going to interrupt her.
I barely got out the door by 5:25 pm. I figured I wouldn't find a parking place in the gym's crowded-mini-lot. I figured that all the bikes would be taken--if I got there late.
But, I found a parking space. And there was one bike left.
I knew I was going to sleep well last night. And I did!
Connecting Time. When we connect with other people, ideally in person, richly activating the brain's social circuitry. (Rock & Siegel)
I don't know about activating the "social circuitry" part of the brain--but I do know that talking to my kids always makes me happy.
Just as I turned onto my street after my workout, me cellphone rang. It was son #1, the new dad. I was anxious to hear how the new baby was doing, how the "big brother" was doing, and how the new parents were doing.
And I wanted to hear all about his "other baby"--the project he'd been working on for the past ten months--the one that finally hit "show time" last week.
The news was all good! The grandkids were doing well. The parents were getting a little more sleep. The "project" was a smashing success--and the weather cooperated! And a short paternity leave would start soon.
Dinner Time.When you know dinner is already prepared--and you don't have to cook--life is good! (The Healthy Librarian)
Who cares if I didn't get home until 7:30. I was starving by then--but dinner was already made. Left-overs from yesterday. Plant-Based Italian Wedding Soup Rapido--an old-favorite. It's an easy-to-make delicious meal in a bowl. And my husband had the salads ready-to-go. I poured myself a glass of wine. Heaven! Click here for the Vegan Italian Wedding Soup Rapido recipe!
Down Time. When we are non-focused, without any specific goal, and let our mind wander or simply relax, which helps our brain recharge. (Rock & Siegel)
Does watching Halloween, MSNBC, & munching on a big bowl of air-popped barbecue popcorn count as downtime? I think so! After dinner, that's exactly what I did.
Air-Popped Popcorn
How to make Barbecue Air-Popped Popcorn:
Use a hot air-popcorn popper.
As the popcorn comes out, mist it with water (yes, it really works & it's not soggy) from a water spray bottle, and at the same time sprinkle on Bone Suckin' Sauce Seasoning & Rub (or the seasoning of your choice) It works a lot better than spraying the popcorn with cooking oil spray (which is what I used to do), with none of the fat! The water just evaporates on the hot popcorn.
Sleep Time. When we give the brain the rest it needs to consolidate learning and recover from the experiences of the day. (Rock & Siegel)
I knew I was going to sleep well last night. And I did. Eight solid hours. No staying up late for me. At 10:30 pm I was out like a light.
Time In.When we quietly reflect internally, focusing on sensations, images, feelings and thoughts, helping to better integrate the brain. (Rock & Siegel)
That's exactly what I'm doing now. Thinking about yesterday. Savoring it. And realizing how an average Monday can sometimes surprise you--and unexpectedly have all the elements of a perfect day! With absolutely no planning! Well, maybe a little.
My First "Yes" of the Weekend! A Plant-Strong Pot-Luck Dinner at Healthy Girl's Kitchen/aka Wendy(photo by Wendy)
We get our greatest happiness from the experiences we share with our friends & family--not from expensive consumer goods. "We know that the best predictor of human happiness is human relationships and the amount of time that people spend with family and friends." Spend your time & money wisely. Dr. Dan Gilbert swears by this research-backed advice.
What's the point of staying healthy without having fun? That's the reason we work at staying healthy. I say "Yes!" to fun things to do, trips, visits, outings, meeting new people, and dinners whenever I possibly can--without making myself crazy by overbooking or overcommitting.
Wendy: "Is there any Saturday night in July or early August that you and your hubby are available to finally do this?...I know how busy you are this summer!!!!!!!!!"
Me: Yeah! Sounds like lots of fun! You amaze me, lady. I can't believe this--but it really looks like the only free Sats. are next Sat, June 25, & then July 30. Crazy.
I wasn't going to miss this dinner! When it turned out that we couldn't find a Saturday night to "Pot-Luck", Wendy decided to do it on a Friday night--July 15th to be precise!
And so began the first of My Five YESes for the weekend of July 15-July 17, 2011.
Weekend YES #1. Better Than Any Restaurant! The Plant-Strong Pot-Luck Dinner at the Healthy Girl's Kitchen/Wendy
My Contribution--Antipasta Salad on Crusty Whole Grain Bread (photo by Wendy)
Since I had to leave my house 2 1/2 hours before the pot-luck was scheduled to begin, silly me forgot to bring my camera. What was I thinking?
Thankfully, Wendy is an amazing photographer & took lots of great pics--so hop on over to her blog & catch them all! Here, here, and here.
The evening was terrific--23 people--some I knew--some I had just met--and a kitchen island topped with the most amazing array of plant-strong oil-free dishes you can imagine! You can't find this kind of deliciousness at any restaurant that I know of.
Bring together a group of smart, fun, healthy, energetic, interesting people--who are adventurous and excellent cooks--and you have all the makings of a memorable evening!
Thank you, Wendy, for graciously opening up your home--and hosting this wonderful evening--that I suspect will be the first of many to come. You are the hostess with the mostest--and you sure can cook!
Wendy has written three posts that you won't want to miss. Her photos are pure Plant-Strong Food P0&N--and she's generously posted all the recipes.
Honestly, I loved every dish I tasted, but there was so much there, I didn't have room on my plate, nor in my stomach to taste them all.
Here are my favorites, the ones definitely plan to make at home:
Prosecco (an Italian sparkling wine) with Lavender Elixir, on ice. Quinn's contribution?? OMG! Beautiful & delicious. I'm bringing a bottle of that Lavender Elixir to my friend Marge's home this Friday night, for her Half & Half Italian Pot-Luck. Half Plant-Strong/Half Omnivore.
Jane Esselstyn's Thai Cole Slaw. Spicy, creamy, crispy, a multi-layered crazy fusion dish. We even made it last night for dinner--it's that good! And BTW, this is really a-quick-to-fix-dish. The dressing would be fantastic on soba noodles with vegetables. Wait--the slaw would work great with soba noodles mixed right in.
Wendy's Helluva Halavah Bitty Balls (Truffles) for dessert. A sinfully delicious mixture of raw cocoa, raw sesame seeds, maca, date syrup, tahini, & more. This comes from Chef AJ's not-to-be-missed cookbook & inspirational personal memoir, Unprocessed.
Weekend YES #2. Go to Synagogue Services Before Wendy's Pot-Luck? I Didn't Know That Wasn't on the Schedule!
Once a month my husband is a volunteer usher at Friday night services. And he never misses--unless we're out-of-town. He's that kind of guy. Dependable. Who knew that his turn would be the same night as Wendy's Pot-Luck? Certainly not me! Until the last minute.
Uh. How are we going to do both? No problem. We can do this. It just meant we had to leave the house two hours earlier than I'd planned. Packed the Antipasta Salad in the cooler--and picked up ice on the way. It was 90 degrees outside.
My YES #2 surprise. My "reward" for adding "one more thing into this evening" was serendipitously reconnecting with my old friends, Shelley & Michael, who I haven't in seen in way too long of a time. Get this--they don't belong to our synagogue--but there they were--on this particular Friday night.
The other sweet surprise of the evening was running into Debra at services--and finding out she discovered my blog through her sister. Lots of fun plant-based talk. I'm always surprised by people who serendipitously discover my blog.
And we still got to Wendy's on-time. Sort of.
Weekend YES #3. The Saturday Morning Walk with Bonnie
This YES! came from Bonnie, not from me. As I was heading to the grocery store on Friday, to pick up the fixings for my pot-luck antipasta--I called Bonnie.
Me: "Hey, do you want to walk on Saturday morning?"
Bonnie: "Yes!"
As far as I'm concerned, a walk in the country with a friend is one of the pleasures of life. Talk, walk, commiserate, sunshine, exercise, and the great outdoors.
Thanks, Bonnie, for saying, "YES!"
Weekend YES #4. The "Welcome to the Monkey House" Saturday Night Book Club
"Let's read two short stories (total of about 25 pages) from Kurt Vonnegut's collection called Welcome to the Monkey House. The book should be easily available at your local library, or maybe it's on your own shelf.
Harrison Bergeron and Welcome to the Monkey House (the story) are both about government-mandated social engineering as viewed from the 1950's -- and I think they'll be interesting to consider in light of the political / social issues we're thinking about today. And they are a fun read -- KV was a comedian by some people's measure."
My third YES! of the weekend was a group "YES"!
If I've got my years straight, this book club will be meeting for nineteen years, this August, and that's because five couples continue to say, "YES! Let's keep doing this. Let's set the next date before we start talking about the book."
And here we are, 19 years later--our kids are grown up--some of us now have grandchildren--and we're still meeting.
We all appreciate the opportunity to stretch our minds, think, and discuss writing that takes turns being enriching, classical, enlightening, disturbing, emotional, heart-breaking, thought-provoking, or controversial.
Three months ago we decided to try something new. Instead of just reading books, we're branching out.
Short stories
Watch a movie or documentary
Read in-depth magazine articles from the likes of the New Yorker, The Atlantic, Vanity Fair, or the New York Times Magazine, etc.
In September we'll watch a film festival entry, and discuss it over dinner at an Indian restaurant.
Weekend YES #5. Do You Want to Take Our Bikes to Kelley's Island on Sunday?
Kelley's Island - No Need to Travel to Martha's Vineyard for an Island Bike Ride
I told my husband that Bonnie & Bob took their bikes over to Kelley's Island on July 5th for a day-long biking adventure. They loved it. It's flat. There are hardly any cars. And it's a beautiful ride. There's a nice beach, a cute town, and even an open-air Tiki Bar with live music.
He got right on the case. Checked the ferry schedules. Checked the weather for Sunday. And said to me: "Let's go this Sunday."
I said, "YES!"
I Packed Our Lunch. Hot n' Spicy Smoked Tofu (my new favorite) Hummus, Pickles, & Roasted Red Pepper Sandwiches. Cherries & Homemade Energy Strawberry Carob Energy Bars
We Loaded Up the Bikes - I Meant, My Husband Loaded Up the Bikes
The Ferry Ride Over
On the Ferry - Just a Fifteen Minute Ride to the Island
A Breezy Traffic-Less "Coastal" Bike Ride to the Beach
A Little Beach Reading - Chef AJ's Unprocessed & the New York Times Sunday Magazine
Enjoying That Picnic Lunch on the Beach
The Bike Ride Continues -The View from the Road
Good Thing We Brought Our Lunch - Here's What Everyone Else Was Eating at the Open-Air Tiki Bar
Heading Back to the Mainland
Picked Up Corn at the Local Farmer's Market
Strawberries, Too!
And Some Peaches
Left-Over Buffalo Tempeh Wraps with Cool Slaw & Fresh Sweet Corn for Dinner
A wonderful FIVE YES! Weekend!!!
1. Healthy Girl's Kitchen Plant-Strong Pot-Luck
2. Friday Night Services with Serendiptious Reconnections
3. Saturday morning walk in the country with Bonnie
4. Saturday night "Welcome to the Monkey House" book club
5. Sunday Kelley's island bike ride adventure
It hit all the right bases.
Spirituality, Good Food, Thought-Provoking Discussion, Connecting with New Friends & Old, Outdoor Exercise, Out-of-my-comfort-zone Adventure, and Alone Time with My Husband.
After 5 hours of biking in over 90 degree heat, I was fast asleep by 10:00 PM! So, good sleep, too!
"I have plenty of time for the things that are important to me. Say, Yes!"
"Every since I got my first library card & could walk to the library myself I've been hooked on the medical/health/self-improvement book shelves."
-From the Healthy Librarian's Blog Profile-
If you received this post via email, click here to get to the web version.
Tip: Skip over my ramblings--and go right to the essays! The real "heart" of the post!
When I was a kid, summer lasted forever. Endless lazy sunny days stretched out one after the other with plenty of time for playing on the street, porch sitting with my friends, going on bike hikes, swimming at the local pool---and best of all---walking to the library all by myself & bringing home a stack of books to explore. I'd stretch out & get cozy on the front porch glider & just enjoy a lazy summer afternoon with my "freshly picked" stack of library books.
This Tuesday just happened to feel exactly like one of those perfect sunny summer days from the late 1950's.
I even made a library stop on my way home to pick-up this Saturday's book club selection, Kurt Vonnegut's collection of short stories, Welcome to the Monkey House. Our assignment? To read two short stories: Harrison Bergeron & the book's namesake, Welcome to the Monkey House. I read the book in college, but I have zero memory about those 2 stories.
And of course, I couldn't resist taking a look at the library's shelf of New Non-Fiction. It's my ritual every time I go into my local library. Here's what I plucked off the shelves: my freshly picked stash.
There was something eerily familiar about this past Tuesday that took me straight back to my 9 year old summer-self with those lazy summer days & my pile of books on the porch.
Maira Kalman's, The Principles of Uncertainty. Well-known illustrator extraordinaire--with an eye for history, philosophy, and what's important in life. If you haven't a clue as to who she is--check this out. You'll be glad you did!
I dove straight into Couric's, The Best Advice I Ever Got, as soon as I had the chance! This is right up my alley. I can't resist short essays--from people I respect--that share their best advice, life lessons and thoughtful insights. I want their short bottom-line pearls! I crave reminders to reach higher, be better, & enjoy life, in spite of all the curve balls.
And that's exactly what you'll find in Couric's book.
Here's how Katie's book was born:
"Last year, when I was giving a commencement address at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, I decided to try something new.
What else could I tell these young, bright students who were about to take flight into the world, eager to make their mark? Because I've had the privilege of meeting and interviewing so many remarkable people through the years, I decided to ask a few of them to share their personal insights. What have you learned? What lessons from your own lives might be useful and instructive?"
Then Couric cast her net even wider. To people she admired--but didn't know.
Their advice isn't just for those who are starting out; it's for those who are starting over, just taking stock--a reminder of what is important and how we can better live our lives everyday. It's for everyone!
This book is filled with the best advice that leaders & visionaries in "politics, entertainment, sports, philanthropy, the arts, & business" have to offer. Sure, some of these "stars" wouldn't be my choice of who I'd go to for advice--but it's Couric's book--not mine.
After a quick look-through the book, three essays immediately grabbed my attention--and I thought, "These need to be shared--not just sit in a book waiting to be read by only a few." You can be the judge as to how valuable (or not) this advice is to you.
Definitely check out all of the essays in Couric's book--get yourself a copy from your library--or local book store.
This post goes out to son #2 who shares my quirky love of "Best Advice" essays from "experts"--and who's also a huge fan of "Tuesdays with Morrie", Albom's first book.
"Giving is Living", by Mitch Albom, Best-Selling Author, Journalist, and Philanthropist
"Morrie was dying. We came to sit by his side. Family. Friends. Former students.
Not everyone was so comfortable. Death can make you squeamish. Many visitors, I noticed came with a plan. They were going to tell happy stories, share jokes, show photos. They'd go into Morrie's office, where he lay motionless in a long chair. The door would shut. And an hour later they'd emerge in tears.
But they were crying about...their job, their divorce, their issues.
"I went in to cheer him up," they'd say, sniffing, "but he started asking me about my life and my problems and next thing I know, I was bawling."
I watched this happen so many times that finally I went in to Morrie and said,
"I don't get it. You're the one dying from ALS, this awful, debilitating disease. If ever anyone has finally earned the right to say, 'Let's not talk about your problems, let's talk about my problems,' it's you!"
He looked at me sadly.
"Mitch," he whispered, "why would I ever take like that? Taking just reminds me that I'm dying." He smiled. "Giving makes me feel like I'm living."
Giving makes me feel like I'm living.
It is a profound little sentence.
And some of the best advice I've ever received.
Our culture, of course, tells us the opposite. The more you take, the more alive you are. The more money in your bank account, cars in your garage, or shoes in your closet, the more you are winning the game.
But think about your final moments in this world, like the ones Morrie endured. At that most crucial time, when you are clinging to life, all that you own will be of no use to you. What purpose will a sports care serve at that point? Jewelry? A big-screen TV? Chances are that stuff won't even be in the room.
All that will matter at that precious point, is that the people who love your are by your side, right? Well, the people who love you will likely be the ones to whom you gave time. The ones to whom you gave warmth and affection. When you most want to feel alive, the things you gave will be the things that return.
Try it sometime--maybe the next time you're depressed or blue. Maybe the next time taking something or achieving status doesn't make you as happy as you thought it would.
Instead, go someplace where you're needed--talk to a struggling friend, cheer up someone in a hospital, scoop potatoes at a soup kitchen. You'll be surprised how energized you feel afterward, how your blues may quietly disappear when you see someone who has it worse.
And if, on your way out, you get the small tingle in your stomach when those people whisper, "Thank you"?
That's being alive.
And it comes from giving, not taking.
Morrie, once again, had it right."
Side note: The night before I read Albom's essay, I happened on a poignant & beautiful short essay by Celia Watson Seupel, "What She Has to Offer" in the New York Times. It had me in tears. It's a must-read if you've ever cared for an aging parent. And as crazy as it sounds, I saw a movie called, Harvest, the night before, as well. Serendipity!
"Be Grateful", by Michael J. Fox, Actor, Bestselling Author, Activist
"As much as we can, it's helpful to be in a place of gratitude.
None of us is entitled to anything. We get what we get not because we want it, or we deserve it, or because it's unfair if we don't get it--but because we earn it, we respect it, and only if we share it do we keep it."
"Courage is the Ultimate Career Move", by Anna Quindlen, Bestselling Author, Pulitzer Prize-Winning Journalist
"Here is my favorite biblical direction: Be not afraid.
It's truly the secret of life. Fear is what stunts our growth, narrows our ambitions, kills our dreams.
So fear not.
Oh, I have enough of a memory of my own youth to know that that sounds preposterous. You are surely afraid: of leaving what you know, of seeking what you want, of taking the wrong path, of failing the right one. But you can't allow any of that to warp your life. You must have the strength to say no to the wrong things and to embrace the right ones, even if you are the only one who seems to know the difference, even if you find the difference hard to calculate.
Too often we still live with the pinched expectations of a culture of conformity, which sees daring as dangerous. Go along to get along: that's its mantra. Only principled refusal to be terrorized by these stingy standards will save you from a Frankenstein life made up of other people's expectations grafted together into a poor imitation of existence. You can't afford to do that. It is what has poisoned our culture, our community, and our national character.
No one does the right thing from fear, and so many of the wrong things are done in its long shadow. Homophobia, racism, religious bigotry: they are all bricks in a wall that divides us, bricks cast of the clay of fear, fear of that which is different or unknown.
Too often public discourse fears real engagement or discussion; it pitches itself at the lowest possible level, always preaching to the choir, so that no one will be challenged. Which usually means that no one will be interested. What is the point of free speech if we are always afraid to speak freely? If we fear competing viewpoints, if we fail to state the unpopular because of some sense of plain-vanilla civility, it is not civility at all. It is the denigration of the human capacity for thought. Open your mouth. Speak your piece. Fear not.
Remember Pinocchio? There is a Jiminy Cricket on your shoulder, giving the very best advice. It is you, your authentic self, the one you were in first grade, before you learned to massage your personality into a form that would suit others. Sometimes it's hard to hear its message because all the external voices are so loud, so shrill, so adamant. Voices that loud are always meant to bully.
Do not be bullied.
Acts of bravery don't always take place on battlefields. They can take place in your heart, when you have the courage to honor your character, your intellect, your inclinations, and yes, your soul by listening to its clear, clear voice of direction instead of following the muddied messages of a timid world.
So carry your courage in an easily accessible place, the way you do your cellphone or your wallet. You may still falter or fail, but you will always know that you pushed hard and aimed high.
Take a leap of faith. Fear not Courage is the ultimate career move."
Side Note: Read Theresa MacPhail's short This I Believe essay, "Courage Comes with Practice". It's one of my favorites!
So, sometime before the summer ends, get to your library, check out a bunch of books that will teach you something, inspire you, make you think, or just give you a few hours of blissful escape!
Find a comfortable chair on your porch--or in your yard--and just enjoy a lazy sunny summer day!
