Happy Anniversary - Secrets of a Good Marriage - Luck, the 5-1 Ratio & Bill Murray's Groundhog Day

"Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry."  
                    
  -Tom Mullen-

"Life is a Life-changing Experience"

-Harry Shearer-

Today is our 37th wedding anniversary!  Yikes!  Where did the time go?  We were both only 20 years old when we first met.  We literally grew up together.  And now we are into the dessert course of marriage--the best part!

My husband is the funniest person I knew.  He makes me laugh everyday, really!  He's also the most trustworthy person I know.  Except when he's being the most annoying person I know.

When I asked him what superlatives he would give me, he answered instantly, "You're the nicest person I now.  And the kindest.  Except when you're being the most annoying person I know.  You're also funny, but not the funniest person I know.  Sorry."

So what's the secret to a happy marriage?  I wouldn't presume to answer that question for anyone but us, but I figure you need 3 things going for you:

• Good luck in who you choose and good luck in the curve balls life will surely throw you.
• The 5-1 ratio.  Your nice-to-nasty ratio must be 5-1!  It really works!
  

John Gottman's pioneering research on marriages suggests that there is a "magic ratio" of 5 to 1 -- in terms of our balance of positive to negative interactions. Gottman found that marriages are significantly more likely to succeed when the couple's interactions are near that 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative. When the ratio approaches 1 to 1, marriages "cascade to divorce."

• The Bill Murray Groundhog Day Principle.  If you stay married long enough, and keep repeating the same stupid mistakes over & over again, you finally get it right!  The light bulb will go on & you'll figure out what works & what doesn't.  Ditch what's not working.  

For instance: 

• I am spatially-challenged, so my husband has quit relying on me to help him move furniture through narrow doorways or going up & down stairs. 
• My husband  is directionally-challenged (as in maps) so I'm the directions person, & I make sure I know exactly where we are going.
• I love to hike, but I'll pass on backpacking--why would you want to ruin a perfectly good hike carrying 50 lbs. on your back?  So he goes with a friend. 
• He's not into going to lectures on weeknights--I go with friends. 
• He got tired of listening to me whine & he finally learned to dance--and loves it.
• He knows I hate to read technical manuals, so he'll just read them for me.
• Nagging never works!  (I'm still working on this one.)  Sounds simple enough, but like Bill Murray, it took us years to figure these little things out.

Ellen Goodman, of the Boston Globe explains it better than I can, in her Zen-like review of Groundhog Day :

Making the best of what we have....is not second best.  It is rather, a demand for active engagement in caring for what and whom we value.

That is what's touching about Groundhog Day.  Our trapped weatherman has to learn this the hard way.  His life is reduced to one inescapable day.  It's the entire deck he's been dealt, the allotment of flowers he can arrange, the cast of characters in his life.

He goes through stages of feeling trapped, depressed, and living as if there's no tomorrow.  He finally comes to the not-so-profound-but-still-pretty-rare realization that he can change his world by changing himself.

..it's about making the best of what you have...over and over. Making small repairs and improvements so that the commitments of midlife--the work you do and people you love--don't become a trap.  They become and remain the town in which you choose to live even when you have options.

Back in May 2008, in honor of a very special wedding in Chicago I did a little thinking about what I'd learned after almost 37 years of marriage.

• Laugh a lot, touch a lot, show affection & give each other compliments!  It's the WD-40 of marriage.
• When your spouse asks for your help or needs you to show up--Do it!
• When your spouse needs to talk--Listen.
• When it's important to speak your mind--Speak up.
• Know when it's important to keep quiet.
• Cut each other some slack.
• Learn to dance.
• Get into the habit of taking walks-it's the best time to talk.
• Make time for activities you do together.
• Make time for activities you do on your own.
• Laugh a lot.  It bears repeating.
• Cook together.
• Stay healthy for each other.
• Be wonderful to each others parents.

Favorite advice from Meg Tufano.

•  Listen to your spouse. Shut up and listen, every day, for at least a half hour a day. Ask pertinent questions. Remember the answers. Keep notes if necessary. Your children depend on your relationship with your spouse. Make sure your marital relationship is solid and your kids will be fine. (For men: if your wife is looking miserable, ask her to tell you what’s wrong and keep asking until she spills her guts. WHATEVER it was, it will no longer make her miserable because she has talked about it with you. This is the magic key to making women happy. Flowers are always nice too!.
• Rest. Sundays are good if only because other people may be doing the same thing. But any day is fine. Rest is essential to everything else you care about. Without rest, the fragility of your life will be front and center; with rest, you have a savings account of energy from which to draw to help out others. Make it religious in the sense you ALWAYS take rest at least once a week.

My Wish for Dave & Emily back in May 2008, is exactly what came true for us!

• Outrageous & memorable adventures
• Wonderful friends
• Good health
• Work that you're passionate about
• Enough of life's challenges to make you stronger, wiser, and kinder
• Kids who are above average, sleep through the night, are easy-going and lots of fun
• The gift of balancing your life, your work and your family
• Enough money to feel both secure and generous.  Not so much that you become out-of-touch & spoiled.
• The knowledge that it's your friends, family & experiences that will bring you your greatest joys.  Invest your time and money accordingly.

 
And I almost forgot, this sage advice comes from Rhett Ellis' wacky book, How I Fell in Love with a Librarian and Lived to Tell About It:

"We've all got our good and bad sides.  If you want to find love and joy in this lifetime you've got to live by mercy.  Focus on the best in people and ignore all the bad that you can ignore.  It's really that simple."

To Life, To Life, L'Chaim, Be Happy, Be Healthy, Long Life!

Comments

[babs]

Bravo on the entry! And congratulations on the day!!

[robertl]

And a fine day it was all those 37 years ago. We know you are spatially challenged; but we love you and the big guy all the more.

[Amelia]

"Nagging never works"
I am not yet married but in a long term relationship, I was wondering what your (or anyone elses) thoughts are on where the fine line between nagging and asking someone to do something (repeatedly, because it needs doing) is? Our relationship suffers partly because of my nagging but I have curbed it tremendously and it still causes rifts, and I was wondering if anyone has any strategies or thoughts on combating this problem?

[The Healthy Librarian]

I'm going to ask my husband what he thinks works better than my nagging--in my opinion, it's 2 things. 1.) Timing. Only bring up "X chore or behavior" at a time when you don't need it done, when you're both in good moods, rested & it's a good time to talk about something touchy 2.) Give each other some slack & understanding--within limits of course. Think how much you wouldn't want to do something if someone was constantly nagging you.

Great article to read about this--it was on the NYT most emailed list for over a year:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=shamu%20saved%20marriage&st=cse

What Shamu Taught Me about a Happy Marriage.

Of course it really helps if your spouse/partner is a reasonable-understanding-hard-working person who does enjoy making you happy.

[Nebula]

Well, I don't know if this will work for you--it works for me because my husband responds to logic well, but he's forgetful. So I'll tell him something like--"baby, can you take out the garbage now, because if you don't, I'm afraid you'll forget to in the morning and then the trash can will be too full for next time (or I'll have to do it and I have a bad back so it's difficult for me, or whatever reason you have.) So I sort of give him the whole rationale as to why I need him to do whatever at whatever time I need him to do it.

[Adam Miner]

My marriage is one of the most important aspects of my life. I think that marriage is one of the best ways to find happiness in this life.

Check out this link to an article that compares happiness to food:

http://www.politicalpolarization.com/2009/06/vending-happiness/

[Shulamit]

Just read your post in the NYTimes.com online. Excellent distillation of a lot of good advice.

Thank you!

Shulamit
married 15 years

[Maria E. Dyer]

I came to this blog while reading about the resilience of modern marriage. I have been happily married for 29 years. My husband is my best friend. Our best activity is that we dance crazily at every Wedding we've ever attended. We walk together every Sunday and on his days off. We are opposites and it's taken me many Groundhog Days to get some things right. We have two loving and beautiful daughters who are living wonderful lives and seem happy. We go to Church together. Everyone notices how well we get along. We can both be very annoying, but each of us has learned to be kind and loving even if that's not our first reaction to being annoyed.

[The Healthy Librarian]

Hi Maria,

Thanks for sending your comment. I love it! Dancing, walking, worshiping together, making Groundhog Day readjustments, and above all being kind makes it all work--no matter how different or annoying we or our spouses can be at times. Sounds like you & your husband both picked a winner!

[Karin]

Followed your link from a NYT comment board, and I'm glad I did. There's a goldmine of down-to-earth advice here. Thank you for passing along your wisdom.