Photo credit: Nola Lopez, NYT
You don't have to swing from the chandeliers. Just go to a new part of town, take a drive in the country, or better yet, don't make plans, and see what happens to you.
-Dr. Helen E. Fisher, anthropologist at Rutgers University-
So here's what the experts have to say about date nights for long-married couples--both the social scientists & the brain scientists:
"Rather than visiting the same familiar haunts and dining with the same old friends, couples need to tailor their date nights around new and different activities that they both enjoy. The goal is to find ways to keep injecting novelty into the relationship, according to social psychology professor Arthur Aron of SUNY at Stony Brook.
The theory is based on brain science. New experiences activate the brain's reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepineprine. These are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love--as well as the same ones that are involved in drug addiction!"
The research claims that couples who go on "exciting" date nights show significantly greater satisfaction in their relationships compared to those who just rent a video and stay home on Saturday night! Sounds like common sense to me. What do you think?
Read more in the ever popular article, "Reinventing Date Night for Long-Married Couples" by Tara Parker-Pope, New York Times, Feb. 12, 2008.
HERE'S MY DATE NIGHT STORY
My husband & I were really really looking forward to this weekend.
Why? Because, for the first time in a long time, we had zero plans. Zero obligations.
Why? Because, for the first time in a long time, we had zero plans. Zero obligations.
We were perfectly happy to just stay home and veg.
FRIDAY NIGHT
On Friday night I had a whole delicious healthy dinner planned. Soba noodles with Chinese vegetables, teriyaki tempeh, all dressed in a spicy peanut sauce.
Never happened. At 6:30 p.m. I hadn't even started to make dinner. I said to my husband, who was reading the newspaper on the porch, "Hey, you want to go see "State of Play"---that Russell Crowe newspaper-political-something-or-other-movie-that's-supposed-to-be-good?"
Husband: "Sure. What time does it start?"
Me: "In 35 minutes. But what about dinner?"
Husband: "Hey, I've been snacking. I'm not even hungry. I can skip it."
Me: "OK, then I'll just grab one of those lentil dal burgers in the fridge. I can be ready to go in 10 minutes!"
And off we went. The first stop on the perfect date weekend. And by the way--this movie had us on the edge of our seats. Much better than the reviews would have you believe. And that's the value of no expectations.
SATURDAY
Oh it was a lazy day. We had only the tiniest germ of an idea for a "possible plan" for the day--but for it to happen, the weather needed to turn ugly. And we had to feel like getting ourselves in gear to head out of the house by 3:15 pm. Who needed that kind of pressure on a free weekend?
So, here was our "maybe plan":
Go to a reading of a "new play" (not a play--but a reading) called, "U.S. v. Howard Mechanic" by Faye Sholiton. It was a one-time event--part of a theater festival.
WHY WERE WE INTERESTED IN A PLAY ABOUT SOMEONE NAMED HOWARD MECHANIC?
Howard Lawrence Mechanic in his high school yearbook picture (inset) assumed the identity of Scottsdale resident Gary Robert Tredway for 28 years, after fleeing a federal firebombing conviction in St. Louis.
High school yearbook photo courtesy of Harvey Mechanic
Here's the long story short
Howard Mechanic was a fugitive--on the run for almost 30 years after fleeing a Federal charge of throwing a cherry bomb into a crowd at an anti-war protest at Washington University back in 1970. He was 22 at the time, and steadfastly denied the charge. Unfortunately, he was the first test case to be charged under a spanking new 1968 law aiming to discourage anti-war protests.
He lived as a fugitive, undercover, with a made-up identity--as Gary Tredway--having only secret contact with his family. But he blew his own cover in an interview with a newspaper reporter in 2000 when he decided to run for city council in Scottsdale, AZ. Ever the political activist, he had earned the reputation of Scottsdale's "watchdog".
He ended up in jail--sentenced to serve 5 years. After serving one year in prison, his sentence was commuted in the final hours of Bill Clinton's presidency--and in the end, evidence proved he was completely innocent.
Our interest
Howard Mechanic lived next door to my husband when they were kids. When the weather was good they played basketball every night in the school yard across the street. They were both stamp collectors as kids--trading postage stamps. But in 1970 Howard--his brilliant older neighborhood friend--just disappeared off the face of the earth. My husband was 20 years old at the time. Howard was 22.
If you have any interest, you can read the whole story here--it made the Sunday New York TImes Magazine in 2000, "Doesn't Anybody Know How To Be A Fugitive Anymore?" by Lisa Belkin, NYT April 30, 2000.
Saturday afternoon--3:00 p.m.
Fifteen minutes before we need to head out the door, we decide to see the play. My husband runs upstairs to shower & just to be on safe side--I decide to call the theater to see if they still have any seats left. With just 4 seats left, we reserve two of them.
He lived as a fugitive, undercover, with a made-up identity--as Gary Tredway--having only secret contact with his family. But he blew his own cover in an interview with a newspaper reporter in 2000 when he decided to run for city council in Scottsdale, AZ. Ever the political activist, he had earned the reputation of Scottsdale's "watchdog".
He ended up in jail--sentenced to serve 5 years. After serving one year in prison, his sentence was commuted in the final hours of Bill Clinton's presidency--and in the end, evidence proved he was completely innocent.
Our interest
Howard Mechanic lived next door to my husband when they were kids. When the weather was good they played basketball every night in the school yard across the street. They were both stamp collectors as kids--trading postage stamps. But in 1970 Howard--his brilliant older neighborhood friend--just disappeared off the face of the earth. My husband was 20 years old at the time. Howard was 22.
If you have any interest, you can read the whole story here--it made the Sunday New York TImes Magazine in 2000, "Doesn't Anybody Know How To Be A Fugitive Anymore?" by Lisa Belkin, NYT April 30, 2000.
Saturday afternoon--3:00 p.m.
Fifteen minutes before we need to head out the door, we decide to see the play. My husband runs upstairs to shower & just to be on safe side--I decide to call the theater to see if they still have any seats left. With just 4 seats left, we reserve two of them.
There in this sold-out theater we run into all kinds of people from different parts of our lives: an old friend from my oldest son's play-group days, the senior ladies from my gym, Howard Mechanic's twin brother, and assorted people from out of our past.
The play-reading turns out to be more than we ever expected--an 11 member professional cast production. It's a mesmerizing and a completely factual account of Howard's story.
We are so taken with the whole experience, we end up staying for a feedback session with the playwright. Definitely not something we would usually do.
On to a dining adventure
Now we're so pumped up on our good fortune for having seen this riveting play that we decide to throw all caution to the wind and head on over to the newest hottest restaurant in town--without a reservation.
This restaurant has had rave reviews & is the first and only certified all-green restaurant in our state.
Downtown is jumping and every parking lot is full. We're not deterred. We move on & find an even closer garage with plenty of spaces.
We walk into the restaurant--we're asked if we have reservations--we don't--and then, the hostess says, "If you don't mind sitting at the bar, 2 seats have just opened up."
We rarely sit at the bar for dinner--but when we have, we always think, "We should do this more often. You end up meeting the most interesting people."
Of course, we are on a super roll by now. It's 2 minutes before Happy Hour ends when we sit down--and yes--we even get the discounted prices. Woo Hoo.
The 30-something couple to the left of us are friendly, serious foodies, and share all kinds of where-to-go-for-good-food tips with us.
And the food
All local. All organic. All fresh and in season. We dine on grilled country bread with a side of sweet goat milk butter; a Chevre salad (I thought this was going to be goat cheese--turned out to be chevre as in "just goat" confit!) made up entirely of fresh mixed herbs--topped with a light Meyer lemon dressing; English Pea Fritters, composed of cilantro, mint and butter beans, turned into crusty torpedos and served with house-made yogurt; and a dinner entree of grilled romaine, topped with roasted butter beans, olives, tomatoes & more.
All local. All organic. All fresh and in season. We dine on grilled country bread with a side of sweet goat milk butter; a Chevre salad (I thought this was going to be goat cheese--turned out to be chevre as in "just goat" confit!) made up entirely of fresh mixed herbs--topped with a light Meyer lemon dressing; English Pea Fritters, composed of cilantro, mint and butter beans, turned into crusty torpedos and served with house-made yogurt; and a dinner entree of grilled romaine, topped with roasted butter beans, olives, tomatoes & more.
So, there we are at the bar, eating and drinking and talking and laughing and I get a tap on the shoulder. "Excuse me miss," the woman says. Turns out to be one of my closest friends who has been dining in the upstairs loft and spotted us on her way to the Ladies Room. She's there with her husband & daughter on a special farewell-daughter-dinner.
Since none of us is ready to call it a night yet--and we're so tickled to have run into each other--we all finish our dinners and walk across the street to try out our bowling skills at a fancy rock-n-roll martini bowling alley.
By now we've pushed this envelope just a little too far. The alley's a pulsating loud-not-for-us-kind-of-place and we can barely hear each other. We bowl a game and call it a night. But what a night! Planning is for sissies! For the dopamine rush go for the unplanned, no expectations & out-of-the-ordinary. Extraordinary!
As an old friend used to say, "spontaneity is the key." It sure worked for you.
Posted by: babs | May 12, 2009 at 07:20 AM
This is a brilliant exposition of what it takes to have an open mind. You dont have to read a challenging book or have a discussion with someone with whom you disagree, you just need to get out of your usual self and do some exploring. Thank you for the reminder.
Posted by: william meller | May 12, 2009 at 05:21 PM