a medical librarian's adventures in evidence-based living
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In a recent study of men with E.D., or at risk for developing it,
researchers in Italy found that the men could improve their erections
by losing weight, improving their diet
and exercising more frequently. After two years of significant
lifestyle changes, 58 percent of the men had normal erectile function,
according to the study, which was published in The Journal of Sexual
Medicine in January 2009.
"For a Common Male Problem, Hope Beyond a Pill", by Leslie Alderman, New York Times, August 28, 2009. Click here for article
If you're one of the 30 million men with erectile dysfunction--almost 1/3 of men in their 50's & 1/2 of men in their 60's--you are going to want to read Leslie Alderman's article--if you haven't already. Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra aren't your only options.
As far as I'm concerned, these are the most important points:
"In many of the cases, E.D. is the sign of an underlying disorder like diabetes or hypertension. In fact, in younger men, erection problems are often the first symptom of cardiovascular disease."
“Erectile problems may show up about three years before a cardiovascular event such as a heart attack or stroke,” says Dr. Ira Sharlip, clinical professor of urology at the University of California, San Francisco. That’s because plaque will start to clog the small arteries in the penis before the wider coronary arteries.
“There is increasing evidence that we can reverse erectile dysfunction
with lifestyle changes,” says Dr. Drogo K. Montague, director of the
Center for Genitourinary Reconstruction in the Glickman Urological and
Kidney Institute at Cleveland Clinic.
"Viagra, Cialis or Levitra. These drugs enhance the effects of nitric
oxide, a chemical that helps to increase blood flow in the penis." (my comment) What are the non-pharmaceutical nitric oxide boosters? Leafy greens like kale, collards, swiss chard and spinach.
Dr. Caldwell Esselstyn's advice on keeping arteries healthy (read more here and here)
1. The basic understanding we all need to accept is thatwith
every meal of oil, dairy or meat we eat, within minutes there is damage
& injury to the "life jackets" of our vascular health--which is the
single layer of endothelial cells that line all of our blood vessels.
The endothelial cells produce the "magical gas" called nitric oxide
which keeps our blood vessels relaxed, prevents our white blood cells
& platelets from becoming sticky and prevents the growth of
plaque--the dread "hardening of the arteries".
2. And what can you eat to insure that your endothelial cells will have the raw materials to produce this healing nitric oxide?
Beans & leafy greens. Load up on kale, collard, chard, bok choy
& beans and you will be well on your way to healing the lining of
your blood vessels.
3. On the positive side--as soon as we stop eating these damaging foods--the endothelial cells have the capacity for restoration.
Bottom Line: What's good for the heart is good for the brain and good for erectile dysfunction. And that means a radical change in diet, exercise, and weight loss.
"So glad that author makes prominent mention of the benefits of lifestyle changes on erectile dysfunction.
Dr. Calwell Esselstyn, the semi-retired Cleveland Clinic physician
who has continual success preventing & reversing heart disease with
a plant-based diet writes in his book:
“I have mentioned previously that several of my patients have also
noted a distinct improvement in their sex lives. And recent research
confirms a strong connection between impotence and cardiovascular
disease.”
“Our own anecdotal evidence suggests the profound lifesyle change
with plant-based nutrition offers the optimal opportunity to avoid
heart disease–and to restore erectile capacity.”
And what’s one of the star ingredients of Dr. Esselstyn’s plant-based program?
GREENS. Kale, Chard, Spinach, & Collards.
They’re the best source of plant protein & loaded with the
phytochemicals that provide the building blocks for life-giving nitric
oxide.
That’s the stuff that will relax & dilate your blood vessels-
restore & heal the endothelial lining of the blood vessels-&
prevent atherosclerosis. They’re also a good source of
anti-inflammatory omega-3s.
Those greens are natural Viagra/Cialis. Save your money. It also happens to be the star ingredient in “Green Smoothies”.
One more tidbit:
“Israleli researchers found that more than 15% of men with moderate
to severe ED had chronic gum disease, compared with 2% without ED Oral
bacteria traveling through the blood stream was responsible for
narrowing vessels in the penis.” One more reason to religiously brush
& floss."
"How do you counter a hunger attack? You can walk into the nearest deli and buy an 800-calorie brownie--or you can plan ahead and carry a high fiber Snack Attack Pack with you at all times. Because these 'snacks' slow digestion, they should help our craving disappear over time. I favor rich, full flavors and chewy textures, all kinds of spices and herbs--delicious and satisfying flavors without too many calories."
-Susan B. Roberts, Ph.D., professor of nutrition and psychiatry at Tufts University-
I stopped by my local library to return books on Wednesday and as always, I checked out the New Book Shelf.
Honestly, I almost always bypass diet books. And at first glance, The Instinct Diet, sounded like just one more goofball diet book, but I took a look and quickly changed my mind. Susan Roberts, the author knows her subject, and this book is the whole package--brain & body. Remember--she's a professor of nutrition & psychiatry.
Roberts' book addresses all our instincts: our cravings for calorie-dense fat and sugar foods--our food-trigger comfort foods--our need for never-ending food variety--all of which adds up to overeating.
"Satisfying our hardwired instincts has been critical to our survival for as long as we have been human. That's why we eat when food is available, choose the most calorie-dense foods, and hate the feeling of hunger.
Today, these same drives are leading millions down the path of obesity.
But Dr. Susan B. Roberts, an internationally recognized nutrition
researcher at Tufts University, shows how to turn our food instincts
into an engine for permanent, healthy weight loss.
The Instinct Diet—the
"I" diet—is a pleasure to follow: a diet based on impeccable research,
a diet where the dieter never goes hungry, a diet that's unequivocally
healthy, thoroughly grounded in the metabolic, genetic, and
psychological workings of the human body. Essentially, it shows how you
can control the controls." --the Amazon book description--
Here's why I took the book out. Since I've been a kid my favorite comfort foods have been barbecue potato chips and anything chocolate--preferably with crunch. In elementary school, I used to stop by Coventry Drug everyday to buy a Nestle's Crunch Bar.
This year I gave up sugar. And I keep chips and snacks out of the house. But...when I saw Dr. Robert's recipes for the Instinct Diet Cereal Desserts and Snack Attack Packs, I just had to give them a try. Sometimes I just want a little snack that's not fruit or nuts.
Here's the Principle When It Comes To Snacks:
1. You keep the junk food out of the house. Yeh, we already knew this.
2. You allow yourself only two healthy snacks a day. This is the brilliant part of Robert's plan. You've got a specific limit here. And it's not just the usual fruit, veggies or cheese sticks.
I tried 2 of her snacks (the Chocolate Cereal Dessert & the Salty Snack Attack Pack) & I was happily surprised at how satisfying they were. Not that I'm going to regularly start indulging--and not that I need any more fiber in my diet--but give these a try and let me know what you think.
It's possible that my tastebuds are so changed (or deranged) these days that I'm deluding myself into think that these snacks are delicious.
Because the cereal is coated with chocolate, you'll feel as if you're eating more chocolate than you really are, and it's surprisingly delicious!
1/3 cup high-fiber cereal (Fiber One or All-Bran Extra Fiber) purists note: there's a titch of the dread aspartame in this, and other unnecessary ingredients. Advice about a non-additive high-fiber cereal would be appreciated!
1 square (about 10 grams) good bittersweet chocolate such as Lindt Excellence Intense Dark or Ghiradelli Intense Dark Midnight Reverie 86% cacao (use a scale to measure this!!)
1/3 cup nonfat milk. Since I avoid dairy, I substituted Pacific Hazelnut Milk. Or use soy or almond milks.
2 drops mint extract (optional) I opted out.
Put the cereal in a small microwave-safe bowl with the chocolate on top. Microwave on high on high power until the chocolate is melted but not bubbling. 20-40 seconds Mix the cereal and chocolate together well with a fork until all of the cereal is nicely coated. Wait a minute or two for it to cool, then add the milk and mint extract, if desired.
**I have a 20 year old 500 watt microwave. By the time I got the chocolate to melt, the cereal had burned. So...I tried it again. I first melted my chocolate, and then added the cereal and mixed it all up. Just a warning!
1/4 cup high-fiber cereal (Fiber One or All-Bran Extra Fiber) Purists note: there's a titch of
the dread aspartame in this, and other unnecessary ingredients.
Advice about a non-additive high-fiber cereal would be appreciated!
2 TBS dry-roasted lightly salted peanuts (check labels to be sure there's nothing else added)
Seasoning Powder, such as nacho, Cajun or barbeque flavor (Roberts recommends Spices, Etc. for interesting blends)
Put the cereal and peanuts in a plastic bag. Add the seasoning powder, mix everything together, and you have a snack to go.)
1/4 cup high-fiber cereal (Fiber One or All-Bran Extra Fiber) Purists note: there's a titch of
the dread aspartame in this, and other unnecessary ingredients.
Advice about a non-additive high-fiber cereal would be appreciated!
1/4 cup high-fiber cereal (Fiber One or All-Bran Extra Fiber) Purists note: there's a titch of
the dread aspartame in this, and other unnecessary ingredients.
Advice about a non-additive high-fiber cereal would be appreciated!
1 square (about 10 grams) good bittersweet chocolate such as Lindt
Excellence Intense Dark or Ghiradelli Intense Dark Midnight Reverie 86%
cacao (use a scale to measure this!!)
4 pecan halves, chopped
Put the cereal in a small microwave-safe bowl with the chocolate on top. Microwave on high wave on high power until the chocolate is melted but not bubbling. 20-40 seconds Mix the cereal and chocolate together well with a fork until all of the cereal is nicely coated. Let cool completely, mix in the pecans and put this sweet snack in a bag to take with you next time you go out.
**I
have a 20 year old 500 watt microwave. By the time I got the chocolate
to melt, the cereal had burned. So..I first melted my chocolate, and
then added the cereal and mixed it all up. Just a warning!
1. Hunger. Confront hunger head on, every day! Make sure every meal and every snack makes you feel satisfied and cuts hunger with one or more of the following compositions:
High fiber
High protein/low carb
High volume
Mixed high- and low-Glycemic Index foods
2. Availability. No excuses here! You can take charge of your food environment, and you can make changes to reduce temptation, overeating and even hunger.
Keep your kitchen stocked with ready-to-eat, healthy, satisfying foods. Throw out the junk.
Keep eating out to a minimum. (The Healthy Librarian agrees!)
"Spring-Clean" your mind. Control sight and smells to keep temptations at bay.
3. Calorie Density. You love food in general and rich treats in particular. These simple tricks can help you keep pleasure up and calories down.
Use the "sandwich" technique with moderate portions of high-calorie foods in the middle of a meal, low-calorie foods high in fiber and protein at the beginning and end.
Make low-calorie foods more appetizing. Add a little fat or strong flavoring to make them taste better. Keep some indulgences, but cut calories and add fiber to make them healthier.
4. Familiarity. Let's hear it for routines and rituals. With a little direction, this instinct can be turned around to to help you create healthy food preferences. (Healthy Librarian: This works. My tastes have really changed. I'm done with chicken, burgers, dairy, ribs & fries)
Eat at regular times so your body will learn not to expect food at other times. This will increase your enjoyment and reduce temptation.
Learn to get greater enjoyment from healthy, satisfying foods by eating them when you're hungry!
Reduce cravings by carefully following a food plan and using proactive craving stoppers.
5. Variety. By influencing what you eat without being aware of it, this instinct can help or hinder weight control, depending on what you put in your kitchen and on your plate.
Keep a low variety of variety of unhealthy foods. This reduces how many calories you eat.
Keep a high variety of healthy foods. This good variety reduces calories and increases satisfaction.
Use the 50% Variety Rule (make sure at least 50% of foods in each meal and snack are low in calories and high in fiber or protein)
The Instinct Diet is definitely not a light-weight. It has proven tips and tricks to keep us satisfied & to help us manage our cravings.
There are many vegetarian and vegan recipe options
Added fat, when used, is kept low
The ingredients are fresh "real" food. Roberts encourages a move to no-additive eating.
Roberts includes an extensive bibliography of scientific articles to back up her techniques
Even if you are following a low-fat vegan diet, you will definitely pick up a few eating strategies and techniques that will help you work with your food instincts and keep you on "the straight & narrow".
But the foundation of all economics is something called opportunity cost. It says that the true cost of something is the alternative you have to give up. So each hour that I spend running (or blogging or gardening or Facebooking or watching TV) is an hour that I don't spend hanging out, working, or sleeping. How do I choose?
-Justin Wolfer, business & public policy teacher at The Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania-
Yesterday after work I planned to go to the gym, but I changed my mind. It was 72 degrees & sunny. I headed home, put on my workout clothes, attached the nifty radio receiver I have for my IPOD nano & set off for an hour long walk, listening to NPR.
Marketplace Moneycame on with their series, Econ Fun-01--about what economists do with their free time. Listening to Justin Wolfers talk about the "Time is Money" conundrum is making me do some serious rethinking about how I'm spending my limited "free time".
Look, we only have so much time in a day. I'm at a big disadvantage right from the get-go because I live "way out"--about a 45-50 minute commute to work--a 20 minute drive to where I work-out--a 30 minute drive from lots of my friends, my favorite movie theater, and decent shopping.
But I love where I live--it's green and open and quiet and peaceful--and my house is paid-off. Moving is non-negotiable for now.
I've got some other "time-user-uppers" that are also non-negotiable:
1. I need 7-8 hours of sleep 2. I try to exercise at least 5 days a week for 60 minutes 3. Healthy eating takes lots of time to shop & prepare for. I "make" breakfast, lunch & dinner, and I enjoy cooking. 4. Work 5. Weekend evenings are reserved for socializing 6. If I want a good night's sleep, I need to just do something mindless after 9:00 pm, like TV, magazines, or book skimming 7. I would never say "no" to an important activity or event involving family or friends
Justin's hobby of choice is training for a marathon. My hobby of choice--reading about health & wellness, and blogging about it--is a huge time-sucker. But I love it. I love learning new things and taking the time to capture them on a computer. I love the positive feedback from readers all over the world. But, I have far too much to write about than I have time for and that creates its own stress.
And frankly, Justin is right! There is an opportunity cost.
1. Less time to do nothing--don't discount that one. 2. Less time to hang out with friends, or take long leisurely walks. 3. Less time to organize & fix up my house. 4. Less time to volunteer. 5. Less time to sit on the couch & read an entire book. 6. Less time to meditate. 7. Less time to spend with my husband. 8. Less time to work in my garden. 9. Less time to switch gears & pick up a new hobby. 10. Less time to clean up my messes, organize my photos, to learn something new. 11. Less time to just talk.
We all have our hobbies.
And we all have our time-wasters. What can we cut out? Or is it possible that some time-wasters are mind-savers because they help us to wind-down & chill-out? Facebook, Twitter, favorite-must-check-daily websites, ESPN, HGTV, sudoku, garage sales, computer games, talking on the phone, texting, you-fill-in-the blank. If the internet is your time-wasting addiction of choice, you MUST READ a recent article in Slate that shows how it adversely affects our brains, and why it's actually a most unsatisfying activity! Seeking: How the Brain Hard-Wires Us to Love Google, Twitter, and texting. And Why That's Dangerous. by Amy Yoffe. Click here for the article. After reading Amy's article I'm definitely curbing my laptop usage.
Want to waste some time seeing how Americans spend their day? Check out this interesting interactive graphic. How are we spending our time? The problem:
According to Justin: "And as I spend my hours slugging out the miles, I'm forced to confront my choices. Instead of sweating it out on the trails, I could take on extra teaching and earn a few extra bucks. And so going running costs me good money."
"The same logic applies to you. Each hour you spend on your hobby you don't spend working harder to get a promotion, studying for a degree, or shopping around for the cheapest groceries."
According to me: "Or, each hour you spend on your hobby you don't spend with your spouse, friends, family, neighbors, getting your house in order, having fun or just plain relaxing."
So, am I going to keep on blogging, or am I going to give it up for more walks, housework, reading, Mahj games, and meditation? Something to think about. "I keep doing an activity only as long as it yields greater benefits than the alternative."
This not having enough time to do everything is a running theme for me. It's my "Fighting Entropy" syndrome and I've written about it here and here.
Justin's Marketplace transcript:
If You Run the Numbers, It's a Good Time click here
JUSTIN WOLFERS: I'm not just an economist, I'm also a runner, training for the Marine Corps Marathon.
Runners World magazine recently argued that marathon running is an incredibly cheap sport. All you need is a pair of shoes, and you're off and running. But they're wrong.
You see, they were emphasizing the out-of-pocket cost, which is small. But the foundation of all economics is something called opportunity cost. It says that the true cost of something is the alternative you have to give up.
So each hour that I spend running is an hour that I don't spend hanging out, working, or sleeping. How do I choose? Following economic theory, I keep doing an activity only as long as it yields greater benefits than the alternative.
And as I spend my hours slugging out the miles, I'm forced to confront my choices. Instead of sweating it out on the trails, I could take on extra teaching and earn a few extra bucks. And so going running costs me good money.
The same logic applies to you. Each hour you spend on your hobby is an hour you don't spend working harder to get a promotion, studying for a degree, or shopping around for the cheapest groceries.
By my calculations my 16-week training program comes at an opportunity cost of several thousand dollars. A quicker runner would have a smaller opportunity cost. It's only because I'm both slow and an economist that I fret that the world's cheapest sport is actually incredibly expensive.
But to an economist, the choice is still a no-brainer. We think you should only do what you love, and pay for it by doing what you are good at.
By sticking to economics, I make time for running. Rather than spend hundreds of dollars worth of time cleaning my house each Sunday, I hire a cleaner, who does a better job, at a better price.
When a friend asks me to help them move, I write them a check to pay professional movers instead. It's just more efficient.
And while it can be hard to forgo extra income for a long run, it is even harder to justify wasting that time on Facebook. And with the time that saves, I'm pulling on my shoes to head out for another run.
Justin Wolfers teaches business and public policy at The Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania.
"OK, this is working. I have so much more energy when I'm out there."
-Tony Gonzalez, 80% Vegan NFL Player-
"People
who ate the most animal-based foods got the most chronic
disease...People who ate the most plant-based foods were the healthiest
and tended to avoid chronic disease. These results could not be
ignored."
-T. Colin Campbell, The China Study-
Ever since I heard that NFL record holder Tony Gonzalez was a fan of Dr. T. Colin Campbell's The China Study--a vegan wannabe (maybe an 80%er)--and a Green Smoothie fan--I've been periodically scanning the newspapers, magazines and the net to see if he's still following his "veganish" diet.
Until today I hadn't read anything new about Tony. I figured he'd ditched the plant-based eating plan a year ago, and was back to pizzas & steak.
Looks like Tony--who now plays for the Atlanta Falcons--is still on his 80% "veganish" program--and apparently it's working.
"Now in The All-Pro Diet, Gonzalez reveals the program, low in
animal protein and high in whole organic plant-based and unprocessed
foods, that has given him more strength, stamina, and energy than ever
before. The first-ever diet and fitness plan from an NFL player, this
book will show you how to make simple lifestyle changes and dietary
adjustments so you can feel stronger, healthier, and more energetic
than ever before."
"A perennial Pro-Bowler, NFL tight end Tony Gonzalez has been an
unstoppable force for all of his 12 years in the NFL. But for a long
time, he ate like an average American: red meat, pizza, fast food,
whatever was plentiful and convenient. Concerned about his long-term,
post-career health, Tony decided to change his diet. With the help of
Mitzi Dulan, nutritionist for the Kansas City Chiefs and the Kansas
City Royals, Tony embarked on a revolutionary new clean-eating and
exercise regimen that changed his life, elevated his physical and
mental performance, and resulted in dramatic, measurable improvements
on and off the field. It was this dietary change that led him to break
two NFL records—most touchdowns and receptions by any tight end in NFL
history—in a single season." --book jacket description-
I had a chance to look at some excerpts of the book--and you can too! It looks like Tony sticks to a plant-based low-fat diet for at least 2 out his 3 meals. He limits the animal protein to mostly omega-3 rich fish, grass-fed-no-feedlot chicken and meat, omega-3 enriched eggs, and some low-fat dairy.
Too bad Dr. Campbell's "candidate-for-worst-food"--whey powder--is offered as an option for a protein-booster for morning smoothies. To be fair, the book does suggest a number of plant-based protein supplements.
I don't think Dr. T. Colin Campbell is going to be using Tony Gonzalez as his China Study poster child anymore--but, frankly, Tony's book is a great first step for anyone who isn't quite ready to go "whole hog vegan", but wants to clean up their diet, and up their intake of real unprocessed foods.
It pretty much follows the clean-eating Michael Pollan Principle of, "Eat Food. Not Too Much. Mostly Plants. Don't Eat Anything Your Great-Grandmother Wouldn't Recognize As Food".
Here Are Some Excerpts:
The Top 10 Best Foods
(in no particular order)
1. Blueberries
2. Broccoli
3. Legumes
4. Oats
5. Oranges
6. Spinach
7. Sweet potatoes
8. Tomatoes
9. Walnuts
10. Wild salmon
5 All-Pro Health Tips
1. Try to incorporate at least one plant-based meal into your diet
every day. Try black bean soup or quinoa as your protein source at
mealtime. It's good for your health, will help you save money and the
environment.
2. Eat a clean, whole foods type of diet and always read the ingredient
label. Look for foods that have easy to pronounce ingredients and short
or single ingredient lists.
3. Load up on fresh fruits and vegetables. Fruits and vegetables are full of powerful disease-fighting nutrients.
4. Make the switch to whole grains nutrient rich energy. Whole grains
have more protein, fiber and overall nutrients. Choose whole grain
breads, brown rice, whole wheat pancakes, whole wheat pasta, etc.
5. Eat a source of protein at every meal. Protein helps to build and
repair muscles, keep your immune system strong, and will keep you
satisfied. Aim for protein sources like fish, chicken and beans.
All-Pro Snack Ideas
1 whole wheat pita with 2 tablespoons hummus 30 pistachios 1⁄4 cup walnuts 1⁄4 cup almonds 10 baby carrots with 3 tablespoons hummus Raw Revolution energy bar LÄRABAR energy bar (the Healthy Librarian's personal fave) CLIF Nectar bar YouBar Gnu Bar PURE Bar Prana Bar Zing Bar 1⁄3 cup guacamole with 12 multigrain or sweet potato tortilla chips AppleBoost energy snack tubes 1 orange 1 apple 1 cup berries 1 medium banana 1 cup fresh pineapple 2 cups watermelon 1 cup low-fat Greek yogurt 2 ounces salmon, venison, or beef jerky 1⁄2 tuna sandwich 1 hard-boiled egg Cashew butter and honey sandwich (whole wheat bread) Peanut butter and jelly sandwich (whole wheat bread) Mini-smoothie (1 cup hemp milk with 3⁄4 frozen banana)
1 cup hemp milk or organic 1% cow’s milk 1 cup frozen mixed berries 1 scoop protein powder (hemp or whey) 1 large handful fresh baby spinach Blend well and enjoy!
Per Serving: 282 calories, 29 g protein, 41 g carbohydrates, 3 g fat Check out more tips, recipes, and meal plans from Tony's bookhere.Look under Publisher's Summary--Download Accompanying Reference Material.
So, Why Am I Interested in Tony Gonzalez' Diet & Eating Habits?
Long story short.
I got into this whole plant-based (aka vegan) eating thing back in March 2008 when The China Study author, Dr. T. Colin Campbell came to speak at the Wellness Grand Rounds at my medical center. His topic? "Can Medical Practice Tolerate Nutritional Intervention?" Read that story, here.
My interest was piqued when Dr.
Campbell said KC Chief's NFL star Tony Gonzalez (now an Atlanta Falcon's tight-end) decided to start a
vegan diet after reading only 40 pages of The China Study.
Gonzalez
had learned about Campbell's research on a plane flight last Spring
when his seat mate turned down a meal offered in first class.
When
Gonzalez asked him why, he told him about Dr. Campbell's research
"showing that people who eat mostly plants have fewer deadly diseases
than those who eat animals."
Gonzalez started a vegan diet
immediately, and according to Dr. Campbell he had his best season ever,
breaking his touchdown record before mid-season, and his career
reception record.
Since I'm a nosy & skeptical librarian, I had to verify Dr.
Campbell's story, and sure enough I got the full Tony Gonzalez story
from a January 25, 2008 Wall Street Journal article that you can read here!
It's a great article, with a lot of supplementary nutritional advice
from sports nutritionists, so I highly recommend taking a look at it.
First of all, 247 lb. Tony is the NFL's highest paid tight-end and
his "biggest thing is strength." Sports nutritionists usually
recommend that athletes get lots of protein to rebuild muscles, and big
doses of vitamins and minerals. The KC Chief's training table serves up
3500 calories per athlete a day, with choices like eggs, sausage and
prime rib. Tony was going to have quite a challenge on his hands to eat
vegan. He needed lots of calories, and lots of protein.
Turns out Gonzalez quit eating meat & dairy "cold turkey", without getting advice from a nutritionist. BIG MISTAKE!
Three weeks later he'd lost weight & strength. 100 pound dumbbells
that he could easily throw around before, now felt like lead weights.
"I was scared out of my mind", he said.
Before quitting his vegan
diet, he called up Dr. Campbell who put him in touch with Jon Hinds, a
vegan and former strength coach for the LA Clippers basketball team.
His suggestion: more plant protein, like soy, beans, or a rice/ pea
protein powder of all things.
But the Chief's nutritionist, Mitzi
Dulan (the co-author of Tony's new book) still didn't think that was enough, so she convinced Tony to add
just a little bit of chicken and fish into his diet. Read that story here.
And judging by the contents of Tony's book--he's been following Mitzi Dulan's advice ever since. Looks like it's working just fine.
But as far as Mitzi's Smoothies are concerned--I think mine beat hers hands down--especially when it comes to high-powered nutrition. I've been drinking these smoothies daily now for almost 1 1/2 years, and I'm a believer.
Where has the summer gone? Wondering why my posts have been so few & far between?
This has definitely been TheAmazing Summer ofRoad Trips and House Guests. Sandwiched in between going to work.
Since June we've clocked in 21 days on the road visiting friends and family in New York City, DC and Cincinnati--and of course, celebrating the birth of our first grandson.
Followed by 13 days of hosting New York City, DC, Cincinnati & Florida family.
Winding it all up with a 9 day road trip to Kiawah Island, SC.
A week ago my husband and I took off for Kiawah Island, South Carolina. It was the perfect ending to the summer.
If you want to reset your brain--de-stress--Kiawah is the place! It's nothing but sunshine and miles of pristine uncrowded beaches and bike paths--jumping waves, boogie boarding, bike hikes, beach walks, books and board games. No night life. Plan on doing most of your own cooking.
It's the antidote to a go-go-got-to-see-it-all-and-do-it-all vacation.
Two days before we took off for Kiawah my neighbor Laurie left a copy of Kelly Corrigan's The Middle Place in my mailbox with a note:
"I hope you haven't left on vacation yet. Enjoy!"
I devoured it in one delicious gulp. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed & was uplifted by a book as much as this one. No doubt about it--the uninterrupted time on the beach certainly helped.
So, I'm now an official Kelly Corrigan fan. This is the true story of a thirty-something mom-wife-daughter-sister-girlfriend with a gift for giving an unashamed honest voice to her life--with all her insecurities, flaws, whinings, jealousies, disappointments, slip-ups, joys, and triumphs. She's smart, caring, knows how to party, and is the kind of person you'd want to hang out with when life takes a turn for the worse.
Just when her life was cruising along with 2 adorable daughters and an adoring husband--oops--out-of-the-blue she finds a lump in her breast--and it's stage three. And then her dad's cancer recurs with a vengeance.
Make no mistake. This isn't the usual cancer survival story. It's so much more. But I'll let you discover that for yourself.
But here's my question. How did I happen to miss even hearing about this book before it landed in my mail box two weeks ago?
And one more thing. I fell for this book on page 3 of the prologue, when Kelly describes her Dad. If I had it in my power to choose how I operated in the world--I'd choose to look at it like George Corrigan!
"I think people like him because his default setting is open delight. He's prepared to be wowed--by your humor, your smarts, your white smile, even your handshake--guaranteed, something you do is going to thrill him. Something is going to make him shake his head afterward, in disbelief, and say to me, "Lovey, what a guy!" or "Lovey, isn't she terrific?" People walk away from him feeling like they're on their game, even if they suspect that he put them there."
Kelly wrote the following essay when she turned 40. I'm somewhere in the "middle place" age-wise, between Kelly & her
mom--the subjects of this essay. But age doesn't matter a bit here. I know
you'll "get" exactly what Kelly is talking about in this reprint of
her "post-book" essay. Now, you have a choice here. Watch Kelly tell her story--or read her words--or both.
Transcending: Words on Women and Strength by Kelly Corrigan Click here to see the video
"I turned 40 a few weeks ago. I tried (twice) to make a toast about
friendship but both times, I blew it. I wanted to say something about
my mom and her friends, who call themselves “The Pigeons.”
There were once at least a dozen “Pigeons” (I believe the name was a
self-effacing twist on Hens) but in the past few years, they lost two
of the greats, Robin Burch and Mary Maroney, to cancer. On the pigeons
go, though, like women do, limping one minute, carrying someone the
next. They started in the 60s, in suburban Philadelphia, with bridge
and tennis and chardonnay (ok, vodka) and, over time, became something
like a dedicated fleet, armed ships sailing together, weather be damned.
For me and women of my generation, it started with playdates,
cutting carbs and meeting on Monday mornings in workout clothes to do
awkward moves with large colorful balls. And I can see exactly where
it’s heading.
We’ll water each other’s plants, pick up each other’s mail, take
each other’s Christmas card photos. We’ll confer about jog bras and
contractors and pediatricians. We’ll gossip about babysitters,
teachers, neighbors, in-laws. We’ll speculate about who had a shot of
Botox, who cheats on their taxes, who cleans until midnight. We’ll
implore each other to read this book or see this movie or listen to
this song. We’ll persuade each other to bake, sell, recruit, fold,
stuff, paint, clean and write checks for our favorite non-profits.
We’ll celebrate each other’s achievements –opening an exercise
studio, a corner store, a jewelry business. We’ll celebrate our kids’
achievements – making the traveling team, singing in the choir,
learning to use the potty or speak French or play the flute. We’ll
borrow eggs, earrings, extra chairs, galvanized tubs for a barbeque.
We’ll throw birthday parties for each other and stain the rugs and
shatter the wine glasses and mark up new counters with the odd slice of
lemon. We’ll worry about who seems down, who looks tired, whose
drinking more and more. We’ll say things we wished we hadn’t and have
to find a way to regain each other’s trust. Things will break, they
always do. Many will be fixed.
We’ll fret over our children—too shy, too loud, too angry, too
needy. We’ll brainstorm ways to help them become more resilient,
patient, forgiving, light-hearted. We’ll protect them—fiercely—pulling
little bodies from the deep end, double-latching windows, withholding
car keys.
We’ll bury our mothers and our fathers—shuttling our children off
for sleepovers, jumping on red eyes, telling each other stories that
hurt to hear about gasping, agonal breaths, hospice nurses, scars and
bruises and scabs and how skin papers shortly after a person passes. We
will nod in agreement that it is as much an honor to witness a person
come into the world as it is to watch a person leave it.
People will drift in and out. Book clubs will swell and thin. We’ll
write someone off and they’ll reemerge later and we’ll remember both
why we loved them and why we let them slip away but we’ll be softer and
we’ll want them back, for nostalgia will get stronger.
We’ll admire each other for a fine crème brule, a promotion, a
degree, a finished marathon. We’ll commiserate about commutes, layoffs,
mortgage rates, bosses, unappreciated toys.
We’ll confide in each other
about feeling anxious or angry or uninteresting or uninspired or how
many pieces of Halloween candy we accidentally ate from our kids’ bags.
We’ll confess that our husbands don’t really listen to us or that we
should be having more sex or that we yell at our kids every day. We’ll
admit that we believe in God, Jesus Christ, Heaven and Hell, or that we
don’t.
We’ll give up things together—caffeine, catalogs, Costco, social
smoking. We’ll take up things too—morning walks, green tea, organic
dairy, saying grace.
We’ll throw potlucks and take each other to lunch and give each
other frames and soaps and bracelets. We’ll check each other’s heads
for lice and examine new bumps and moles and listen to lists of
symptoms. We’ll diagnose each other’s brown lawns, torn muscles,
basement odors. We’ll teach each other how to set a ring tone, make a slide
show, download a movie.
We will call and say “I heard the news” and whatever the news is, we
will come running, probably with food. We’ll insist on taking the kids,
finding second opinions, lots of rest and the best surgeon. We will
face diseases, many kinds, and will—temporarily—lose our hair, our
figures and our minds.
Eventually, someone whose not supposed to die will, maybe one of us,
maybe a husband, God forbid a child, and all this celebrating and
sharing and confessing will make certain essential comforts possible.
We’ll rally around and hold each other up and it won’t be nearly enough
but it will help the time pass just a hair faster than it would have
otherwise. We will wait patiently and lovingly for that first laugh
after the loss. When it comes, and it will come, we will cry as we howl
as we clutch as we circle. We will transcend, ladies. Because we did
all this, in that worst moment, we will transcend.
Anyway, that’s what I wanted to say."
Ditto!! We get by with a little (OK-a lot) help from our friends (and family, most definitely) Thanks for a wonderful summer and the help in the kitchen, artistically arranging my "party table", the flower arrangements, the "Classic Cookies", the shoulders to lean on, the listening ears, the understanding, the hospitality, the amazingly delicious vegan meals, the schlepping me around NY, the tours of Brooklyn, Wave Hill, DC, Cincinnati and gorgeous gardens, making caramelized onion pizza, going to see "Away We Go" when you'd rather not, foot rubs, playing "SingStar", washing dishes, the belly laughs, and just plain showing up. I love you all!
-John Wooden, retired UCLA basketball coach, 98 years old-
My piles of interesting health-related articles for my blog have been growing exponentially this crazy busy summer. Now it's time to either blog about it--or dump the piles in the recycle bin.
This time I'm zeroing in on the brain--how to keep it going for as long as possible. Here's my brain prescription based on my piles of files:
Make sure your cholesterol numbers are down earlier than your 40's--or you risk both vascular dementia or Alzheimer's.
Keep that waist whittled when you're middle-aged. Banish the belly fat. Weight in your middle during middle-age ups your dementia risk.
Bring on the berries and the Concord grapes to protect your brain through old age. Research shows both protective benefits from aging, and improvements in learning and motor skills.
Keep your blood sugar stable (even if you're healthy) by exercising and eating high-fiber low-glycemic foods like beans, nuts, oatmeal, and quinoa. Blood sugar spikes damage the memory center of the brain.
Indulge in a mid-day nap of at least 1 hour. Mid-day REM sleep enhances problem-solving.
For the best sleep, keep your bedroom cool.
Dementia Risk is Linked to Even Slightly High Levels of Cholesterol at Midlife
I was all ears when I read this study. As far as I'm concerned--it's all about protecting the brain as we age, trumping heart disease and cancer. This study out of California underscores the advice we've been hearing for years: If it's good for the heart--it's good for the brain.
Alzheimer's Disease gets all the attention, but tiny silent strokes diminish the blood supply to the brain resulting in a slow progression of vascular dementia. Both diseases are years in the making. Too bad we wait until it shows its ugly face in our 70's or 80's before we scramble to do something about it.
Finally, we have a large study of almost 10,000 multi-ethnic participants who were followed for almost 40 years through Kaiser Permanente in California to provide epidemiologic evidence that even modest increases in cholesterol at midlife result in a substantially increased risk of dementia 20 to 40 years down the road.
Bottom line: Those with blood cholesterol levels over 240 in their mid-40's were 57% more likely to develop dementia than those who were at optimal levels. Even borderline cholesterol levels between 200 and 239 were at a 50% greater risk of developing dementia.
Source:Whitmer, RA, Solomon, A. et al. "Midlife Serum Cholesterol and Increased Risk of Alzheimer's and Vascular Dementia Three Decades Later," Dementia and Geriatric Cognitive Disorders; 2009 Aug. 4;28:75-80.
Rachel Whitmer--Kaiser Permanente's Dementia Guru. A Fat Belly at Midlife Increases the Risk of Dementia
Bells went off when I read about the Kaiser cholesterol-dementia-midlife study. Rachel Whitmer--the senior epidemiologist--sounded so familiar. Where had I heard that name before?
Sure enough, Dr. Rachel Whitmer, who was the chief investigator in the cholesterol study, was also involved in a 2008 study linking excess belly fat to dementia. I wrote about it in April 2008. It bears repeating.
Belly Fat & the Dementia Connection.Rachel Whitmer, a research scientist at Kaiser Permanente in Oakland, California, reported in the March 26 2008 online issue of Neurology
on her study that followed 6,583 Kaiser Health Plan members. The study
began in the late 1960s and early 1970s and measured the abdominal fat
of this large group of 40 and 45 year olds. She followed up with them
between 1994 and 2006 when they had reached their 70s and beyond.
Back in 2005 Whitmer had previously reported that senior citizens
who were overweight at middle age were 74 percent more likely to
develop dementia. This new study specifically looked at whether belly
fat was the culprit.
Those people who were obese and had the most belly fat
in their 40s were 3.6 times more likely to develop dementia than those
with the least amount of belly fat.
Those who were overweight--a step below obese--and had
large bellies in their 40s, were 2.3 times more likely to develop
dementia.
21 percent of those with high levels of belly fat developed dementia.
The belly fat dementia connection persisted, even when
researchers adjusted their statistics to take into account the effect
of stroke & diabetes.
Other recent studies found that obese middle-aged adults have decreased brain volume compared with those of normal weight, decreased hippocampal (the memory center) brain volume and greater
brain atrophy.
These findings imply that the harmful effects of belly fat on the
brain may start long before clinical signs of dementia appear and are
not limited only to those whom are overweight. Rather chilling, I'd say!
Waist circumference guidelines:
Women-Keep it at 30 inches or under
Waist of over 31 inches (about 80cm) indicates
slight health risk.
Waist of over 35 inches (about 90cm) indicates substantially increased
risk.
Men-Keep it at 36 inches or under
Waist of over 37 inches (about 94cm) indicates
slight health risk.
Waist of over 40 inches (about 102cm) indicates substantially increased
risk.
Source: Whitmer, R. et al. "Central obesity and increased risk of dementia more than three decades later," Neurology; 2008 Sep 30;71(14):1057-64. Epub 2008 Mar 26
It's Grape Juice and Berries to Improve the Aging Brain
James A. Joseph is the Director of the Neuroscience Lab at the Jean Mayer Human Nutrition Research Center on Aging at Tufts University in Boston. He is THE expert in the health effects of berries & grapes. Check out some of his research projects, here. I had heard him speak on brain nutrition on a People's Pharmacy podcast back in April 2009. Click here to hear it.
So, when my friend Anna told me he had a "just published" review article in The Journal of Nutrition called "Grape Juice, Berries, and Walnuts Affect Brain Aging and Behavior", I couldn't wait to get my hands on it.
Yes, we all know that berries & grapes are full of potent antioxidants and anti-inflammatory properties that both protect & enhance the brain--at least in lab rats--but does this research translate to humans?
Joseph's own lab studies have suggested that blueberries, strawberries, walnuts and Concord grape juice can decrease the damaging oxidative stress and inflammation in the aging brain, as well as improve the ability of neurons to communicate with each other--faster thought processing and word retrieval. In this hot-off-the-press article he reviews the extensive brain-berry-grape research.
In a "walnut" shell, here's the real exciting news:
Concord grapes & humans. Dr. Robert Krikorian of the University of Cincinnati "has shown that older adults with memory declines, but not dementia, had significant improvements in several measures of cognitive function when supplemented with 12 ounces of Concord grape juice a day for 12 weeks compared with the placebo.
Berries and grapes in animal studies. Rats enhanced their cognitive, spatial, and motor skills when their diets were supplemented with strawberries, blackberries, and Concord grapes. There's evidence that supplementation even reversed age-related cognitive dysfunction, as well as improving balance and coordination. Stay tuned to see how well this translates to humans.
Berry protection for the brain in animal studies. Rats who feasted on blueberries and strawberries were able to protect their brains when they were irradiated to simulate the kind of cognitive & memory damage the brain sustains through normal aging. The interesting point: the blueberries and strawberries actually protected different parts of the brain--so diversify your berry munching.
Blueberries & humans. Once more, Dr. Robert Krikorian is the man doing the research on people. He has recently shown that a number of learning and memory skills improve when humans supplement with blueberry juice. He's planning to also assess the effects of blueberries on behavioral skills.
Berries & grapes may increase the "health span" (better than "life span") by reversing the damaging effects of aging on cognitive and motor behavior. According to Joseph, if you are waiting for a molecular biologist to come up with a magic pill to protect you against the diseases of aging you'll be waiting a long time. His advice: eat a diet high in anti-oxidant rich berries, fruits & vegetables, get plenty of exercise, and exercise your brain by staying engaged & challenged throughout life!
Source: Joseph, JA et al, "Grape Juice, Berries, and Walnuts Affect Brain Aging and Behavior," The Journal of Nutrition first published ahead of print July 29, 2009 as doi:10.3945/jn.109.108266.
Keep Your Blood Sugar Stable--Even Moderate Spikes Are Responsible for Memory Decline
The damaging effects of spiking blood sugar just may be one of the reasons for the widespread memory declines we see as we age. Turns out that up & down blood sugar damages the "dentate gyrus", which is within the hippocampus--the part of the brain responsible for forming memories.
Using a high-resolution functional MRI to map the brain regions of 240 elderly subjects, the Columbia University researchers (lead by Dr. Scott Small) found that when blood sugar (glucose) was elevated, the cerebral blood flow in the brain's memory center was reduced.
Then, the researchers cleverly played with the blood sugar levels of mice & monkeys to confirm this association between rising blood sugar & damage to the dentate gyrus.
The disturbing part of the study is that even slight elevations of blood sugar--less than those seen in type-2 diabetes can cause memory decline. Because blood sugar tends to rise as we age--even in healthy people--this study is a wake-up call to take steps to keep the blood sugar stable.
Earlier studies have shown a link between type-2 diabetes & damage to the "dentate gyrus", but this study demonstrated the hippocampal damage in people who are other-wise healthy. What's the antidote for keeping a stable blood sugar and protecting the brain?
"This is news even for people without diabetes since blood glucose
levels tend to rise as we grow older. Whether through physical
exercise, diet or drugs, our research suggests that improving glucose
metabolism could help some of us avert the cognitive slide that occurs
in many of us as we age," reported lead investigator Scott A. Small,
M.D., associate professor of neurology in the Sergievsky Center and in
the Taub Institute for Research on Alzheimer's Disease and the Aging
Brain at Columbia University Medical Center.
Exercise. Regular physical activity has been shown to offset the damaging effects of type-2 diabetes on cognitive function. Because exercise improves the ability of muscles to process glucose, it makes sense that it helps protect cognitive function as we age, according to Small.
Low-Glycemic Diet. Eat high fiber low-glycemic foods like beans, nuts, oats, and quinoa. Dr. David Jenkins' study found that low-glycemic foods were superior to even whole grains, like whole-wheat bread and brown rice when it comes to keeping the blood sugar stable. And processed foods should definitely be avoided.
The University of Sydney maintains a Low-Glycemic website and database with a wealth of excellent information on the subject. Take a look at their FAQs if you want to learn more. Click here.
Sources: Jenkins, DJ et al, "Effect of a low-glycemic index or a high-cereal fiber diet on type-2 diabetes: a randomized trial,"JAMA 2008 Dec. 17; 300(23):2743-53.
Small, SA et al, "The brain in the age of old; the hippocampal formation is targeted differenially by diseases of late life," Ann Neurol 2008 Dec;64(6):698-706.
Do Your Brain a Favor--Take An Afternoon Nap
This is my kind of study--the benefits of napping. As far as I'm concerned, naps are revitalizing and reading Dr. Sara Mednick's nap study that was published June 8th in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences made my day.
Here's the scoop: The right kind of nap--one that is long enough to include dreaming (REM sleep) will enhance creative problem-solving and "foster the formation of associative networks in the brain." REM sleep directly enhances creative processing more than any other sleep or wake state and it helps the brain to make new and useful associations between unrelated ideas.
Mednick found that a nap with REM dreaming improved creative task performance by almost 40% over quiet rest or non-REM sleep.
The catch: to have REM sleep, your nap will need to last at least an 1 hour long.
"Dreams are fanciful. They incorporate strange ideas that you would never have put together in waking life. In REM sleep, it becomes more likely that ideas might come together in a solution," according to Dr. Mednick.
Source: Mednick, SA et al. "REM, not incubation, improves creativity by priming associative networks," Proc Natl Acad Sci U S A. 2009 Jun 23;106(25):10130-4. Epub 2009 Jun 8.
"This book has made a big impact on how I view my study time. Medical
school is difficult and exhausting. If I attend all my lectures, eat
three meals day, maintain good hygiene, commute to/from the university
and get 7 hours of sleep, I only have 3 hours on the weekdays to study.
I used to hardly be able to keep my eyes open during that study time
and I couldn't remember anything I studied.
After reading Take a Nap! Change your life, I have the skills to
use napping as part of my study routine. I used to feel guilty when I
napped because I thought I was wasting valuable study time. I was just
too tired to study. Now I plan naps into my study schedule and it is
amazing how much better I recall everything. My test scores in
Pathology have improved an average of 8 points since I started napping
and my scores keep improving despite no other changes to my study
routine. If you subtract out my naps, I'm actually studying less but
getting better grades! As I prepare for my USMLE Step 1 Board Exam,
consolidating memories and enhancing recall is especially important. I
now consider napping a study skill and regular naps are part of my
board prep study schedule. Naps have truly changed my life."
For a Good Night's Sleep--Keep the Room Cool
If I want to feel and think my best I need a good night's sleep. In the winter we lower our heat to 55 degrees and I sleep great. But come the summer--and even with the air-conditioning on--our bedroom temperature often climbs to over 82 degrees and my sleep starts slumping.
Bingo! As of 2 weeks ago, my husband and I came up with a solution. We purchased an easy-to-use-portable-on-wheels room air conditioner with enough BTUs to cool our bedroom down to a comfortable 73 degrees. Now we can turn off the useless-at-night whole house air conditioner and enjoy a peaceful sleep--and hopefully conserve on fuel costs.
The added bonus: it has just enough white noise to block out the morning shower and kitchen sounds of the early risers in our house.
I recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with
myself. I’d committed to “The End of Suffering.” I’d finally managed to
exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only
as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside
my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take
responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it. My husband hadn’t yet come to this understanding with himself.
I simply had come to understand that I was not at the
root of my husband’s problem. He was. If he could turn his problem into
a marital fight, he could make it about us. I needed to get out of the
way so that wouldn’t happen.
I'm in the midst of a series of lazy-frenetic-can't-get-enough-of-this extended visits from all of my most favorite family members. Honestly, I had no intention of even thinking about blogging for at least another week. No time.
But then....I'm sitting across from my sister-in-law, soaking in the morning company, the coffee & the sunshine. My husband has already left for work. My brother-in-law is upstairs brushing and flossing.
I do a quick scan of the New York Times'Most Emailed Articles and I cannot resist this headline: Modern Love: Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear.
"Hey, Lis, listen to this." I read the first two paragraphs out loud, and then stop.
"Do you want me to keep reading?" I ask--knowing full well that reading the newspaper aloud is usually not a good idea.
"Yeah, yeah. I think I know where this going. I hope I'm wrong. But I want to know more," she says.
I read it to the end, and I'm surprised when I feel a single tear running down my face by the time I finish. I love this essay. Laura Munson is a wise strong brilliant woman. My sister-in-law agreed.
This essay should be required reading for anyone who is married--or in a long-time relationship. I wish I had read it at the start of my marriage, but I probably wouldn't have understood it back then. Hey, I got married at age 21--a mere child. I've been married for over 37 years. Life is full of surprises, curve balls, sucker punches, ups and downs. Nothing is sweeter than a long marriage--but it is never the Hollywood version.
Sometimes it's just more convenient to place the blame for life's pain and unhappiness in the wrong place--on someone or something or someplace else--when all along only we can make things right for ourselves.
If I ever use fighting words, I hope my husband will be wise enough to duck. And vice versa.
Read it!
Modern Love. "Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear" by Laura Munson click here
LET’S say you have what you believe to
be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending
more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to
achieve in your 20s — gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city
bistros when you were single and skinny — have for the most part come
true.
Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the
children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would
be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, stargazing.
Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so
self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never,
in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your
husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I
ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to
be happy.”
But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is
it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband
say “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And
what can happen as a result.
Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his
mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead,
she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum
isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t
take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.
Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s
tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else — a profound and far
more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife,
when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing
reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way
I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it
that way. For four months.
“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”
His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet
somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and
composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.
He drew back in surprise. Apparently he’d expected me to burst into
tears, to rage at him, to threaten him with a custody battle. Or beg
him to change his mind.
So he turned mean. “I don’t like what you’ve become.”
Gut-wrenching pause. How could he say such a thing? That’s when I really wanted to fight. To rage. To cry. But I didn’t.
Instead, a shroud of calm enveloped me, and I repeated those words: “I don’t buy it.”
You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding
with myself. I’d committed to “The End of Suffering.” I’d finally
managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal
happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that
were often outside my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation
and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all
of it.
My husband hadn’t yet come to this understanding with himself. He
had enjoyed many years of hard work, and its rewards had supported our
family of four all along. But his new endeavor hadn’t been going so
well, and his ability to be the breadwinner was in rapid decline. He’d
been miserable about this, felt useless, was losing himself emotionally
and letting himself go physically. And now he wanted out of our
marriage; to be done with our family.
But I wasn’t buying it.
I said: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned
with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create
co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and
therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties
involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you
need, without hurting the family?”
“Huh?” he said.
“Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the
garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted.
Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the
one you’re talking about.”
Then I repeated my line, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”
“Huh?”
“How can we have a responsible distance?”
“I don’t want distance,” he said. “I want to move out.”
My mind raced. Was it another woman? Drugs? Unconscionable secrets? But I stopped myself. I would not suffer.
Instead, I went to my desk, Googled “responsible separation” and
came up with a list. It included things like: Who’s allowed to use what
credit cards? Who are the children allowed to see you with in town?
Who’s allowed keys to what?
I looked through the list and passed it on to him.
His response: “Keys? We don’t even have keys to our house.”
I remained stoic. I could see pain in his eyes. Pain I recognized.
“Oh, I see what you’re doing,” he said. “You’re going to make me go
into therapy. You’re not going to let me move out. You’re going to use
the kids against me.”
“I never said that. I just asked: What can we do to give you the distance you need ... ”
“Stop saying that!”
Well, he didn’t move out.
Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming
home at his usual six o’clock. He would stay out late and not call. He
blew off our entire Fourth of July — the parade, the barbecue, the
fireworks — to go to someone else’s party. When he was at home, he was
distant. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He didn’t even wish me “Happy
Birthday.”
But I didn’t play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids:
“Daddy’s having a hard time as adults often do. But we’re a family, no
matter what.” I was not going to suffer. And neither were they.
MY trusted friends were irate on my behalf. “How can you just stand by and accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!”
I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his
problem wasn’t mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way
so he could solve it.
I know what you’re thinking: I’m a pushover. I’m weak and scared and
would put up with anything to keep the family together. I’m probably
one of those women who would endure physical abuse. But I can assure
you, I’m not. I load 1,500-pound horses into trailers and gallop
through the high country of Montana all summer. I went through
Pitocin-induced natural childbirth. And a Caesarean section without
follow-up drugs. I am handy with a chain saw.
I simply had come to understand that I was not at the root of my
husband’s problem. He was. If he could turn his problem into a marital
fight, he could make it about us. I needed to get out of the way so
that wouldn’t happen.
Privately, I decided to give him time. Six months.
I had good days, and I had bad days. On the good days, I took the
high road. I ignored his lashing out, his merciless jabs. On bad days,
I would fester in the August sun while the kids ran through sprinklers,
raging at him in my mind. But I never wavered. Although it may sound
ridiculous to say “Don’t take it personally” when your husband tells
you he no longer loves you, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to
do.
Instead of issuing ultimatums, yelling, crying or begging, I
presented him with options. I created a summer of fun for our family
and welcomed him to share in it, or not — it was up to him. If he chose
not to come along, we would miss him, but we would be just fine, thank
you very much. And we were.
And, yeah, you can bet I wanted to sit him down and persuade him to
stay. To love me. To fight for what we’ve created. You can bet I wanted
to.
But I didn’t.
I barbecued. Made lemonade. Set the table for four. Loved him from afar.
And one day, there he was, home from work early, mowing the lawn. A
man doesn’t mow his lawn if he’s going to leave it. Not this man. Then
he fixed a door that had been broken for eight years. He made a comment
about our front porch needing paint. Our front porch. He mentioned
needing wood for next winter. The future. Little by little, he started
talking about the future.
It was Thanksgiving dinner that sealed it. My husband bowed his head humbly and said, “I’m thankful for my family.”
He was back.
And I saw what had been missing: pride. He’d lost pride in himself.
Maybe that’s what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we
realize we’re not as young and golden anymore.
When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal
themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest
sucker-punch of them all: it’s not a spouse or land or a job or money
that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can
enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within.
Relying on any other equation can be lethal.
My husband had become lost in the myth. But he found his way out.
We’ve since had the hard conversations. In fact, he encouraged me to
write about our ordeal. To help other couples who arrive at this
juncture in life. People who feel scared and stuck. Who believe their
temporary feelings are permanent. Who see an easy out, and think they
can escape.
My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me.
But I ducked. And I waited. And it worked.
Laura A. Munson is a writer who lives in Whitefish, Mont.
