Finding Our Footing in an Unpredictable Financial Future - With Family, Friends, Food, a Little Fun, and Advice From Daniel Gilbert & Jeanne Marie Laskas

 Finding Our Footing - Balancing Between "Rain" Drops

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It's the last day of the year.  We've just passed the shortest & darkest of days, and OMG the sun is finally shining and it's going to reach 50 degrees today!  Could this be a sign?

It's been another year of economic uncertainty.  Job losses.  Business closures.  House foreclosures.  Scaling down.  Uncertain futures.  Limited job prospects for new college grads who are saddled with unprecedented steep student loans. (NPR- 12/30/10 Young People Greet 2011 with Caution--what a downer!)  Serious family illnesses.  Unexpected gut-wrenching deaths.   It's a wonder how we all just keep-on-keeping-on.

But, it's also been a year of weddings, welcoming new babies to the world, delirious dancing, gorgeous giggling grandchildren, lots of hugs, graduations, family gatherings, hanging out with friends for an evening of cards and games, cooking with the family, and this list could go on and on.   I like Phil Stopol's attitude--he's one of the "greatest generation", an 87 year-old who fought in World War II--and just celebrated his 60th wedding anniversary.

"Mr. Stopol explained that he could hardly believe he had ever served in the military; he had locked away that part of his life. “I’m someone who can remember 50 instances of good times,” he said. “I can’t remember more than four bad times.”  For the rest of his story, click here.  Phil Stopol

And yet, I've spent a year writing about eating right and exercising in order to stay healthy, perhaps reverse illness, lift your spirits, and just plain feel strong and good.  What's up with that?

Here's why:  Whether we like it or not, we are all connected to each other.  When things fall apart for our family, our friends, our co-workers, our community--we hurt right along with them--as they do with us. 

There's so much we have NO control over.  But heck,  we can always control what goes into our mouths.  We can always control how much we move our bodies--yes, that's code word for exercise.  The way I look at it--it's a gift to everyone--and I mean everyone--when we can stay healthy, maintain a positive attitude, and have the energy to be present for those (including ourselves) who are hit by the uncontrollable curveballs that life always throws us--whether we like or not. 

Your kids, your spouse, your co-workers, your friends have more than enough on their worry plates these days--they don't need to add you to the pile.  Do them a favor and take care of your health--it's at least one thing you (mostly) have control over.  And being in control of something, is the best mood lifter out there.

Daniel Gilbert:  As Bad as Things Get--It Always Gets Better--It's the Uncertainty That's Making Us Miserable

I'm a research geek--I own up to it. Dan Gilbert, is the well-known Harvard research psychologist who specializes in figuring out what makes us happy and what makes us miserable.  He's my go-to guy when I want an attitude adjustment.  I hope his words can put into perspective whatever current worries happen to be on your plate this year.

What Gilbert learned when his own life fell apart.  Or, how did he got into the happiness research business in the first place.

"Within a short period of time, my mentor passed away, my mother died, my marriage fell apart and my teenage son developed problems in school.  What I soon found was that as bad as my situation was, it wasn't devastating.  I went on.

One day, I had lunch with a friend who was also going through difficult times.  I told him: "If you'd have asked me a year ago how I'd deal with all this, I'd have predicted that I couldn't get out of bed in the morning."

The truth is, bad things don't affect us as profoundly as we expect them to.  That's true of good things, too.  We adapt very quickly to either."   Dan Gilbert

We're Clueless When It Comes to Our Own Worst Nightmares!

Think of your worst nightmare.  The loss of your spouse, financial ruin, the unspeakable stuff I refuse to even write, a life-threatening disease.  According to Gilbert, we're lousy predictors of our own unhappiness.  When the unthinkable happens, we somehow get through it.  He cites countless studies that show "a large majority of people who endure major trauma (wars, car accidents, rapes) in their lives will return successfully to their pre-trauma emotional states--and that many of them will report that they ended up happier than they were before the trauma."

How can that be?

For one thing, we change across time; the person you are when your are imaging what would happen if your nightmare came true, isn't the same person who ends up dealing with it first-hand.  We learn to adapt--we just get used to things. And thankfully, we have a built-in "psychological immune system" that helps us through the big negative events like job loss, or the death of a spouse.  Unfortunately, it doesn't work so well for the day-to-day insults, like car break-downs, and over-flowing toilets.  That's where we do lose it.

We're also great at rationalizing.  "It was a boring dead-end job, anyway.  If I hadn't gotten laid-off I never would have had a chance to go back to school."  "She never was right for me anyway."  We have exceptional talent in finding ways to soften the blow.

And then there's the "I'm not the only one" trump card.  If we've got buddies in the same boat--it's not so bad.  When you're the only one in dire straits, that's a different story.

What Really Makes Us Unhappy is the Unknown

"An uncertain future leaves us stranded in an unhappy present with nothing to do but wait.  That's because people feel worse when something bad might occur, than when something bad finally does occur.  It's the not knowing that is making us sick."  Daniel Gilbert

A University of Michigan study considered the emotional adjustment of colostomy patients.  One group underwent  permanent colostomies, another group had colostomies that might be reversed one day.  Six months after the operations, those who had the permanent colostomies were happier than those who thought they could have a chance for reversal. 

Why? 

"Because when we get bad news we weep for a while, and then get busy making the best of it.  We raise our consciousness and lower our standards.  We find our bootstraps and tug.  But we can't come to terms with circumstances whose terms we don't  yet know.  An uncertain future leaves us stranded in an unhappy present with nothing to do but wait." Daniel Gilbert

So, What Really Does Make Us the Happiest?

Here's what the research says.  Pay attention and invest your time accordingly.

Yeah, we do need money, but not as much as we might think we need.  If you're poor, a little money will absolutely buy a lot of happiness.  And yes, we do all need the basics, like shelter, food, and some security.  Those who think otherwise have never needed food stamps, been without health insurance, depended upon the generosity of family or friends, or lived for months on ramen noodles.  But, after $75,000/a year, money won't buy you much more in the way of happiness--at least that's what Princeton economists say.  Don't argue with me about that one.

"We know that the best predictor of human happiness is human relationships and the amount of time that people spend with family and friends.

We know that it's significantly more important than money and somewhat more important than health.  That's what the data shows.  The interesting thing is that people will sacrifice social relationships to get other things that won't make them as  happy -- like money." Daniel Gilbert

Shopping for happiness? 

Take the vacation, make a great gourmet meal and share it with friends, see a movie, play games with the fam.  Forget about the expensive new couch or high-end car.   Hands-down, the research says, we get more happiness from experiences than from durable goods.  Read about one couple's experience living on way less.

 "Another way I follow what I've learned from data is that I don't chase dollars.  You couldn't pay me $100,000 to miss a play date with my granddaughters.  That's not because I'm rich.  That's because I know that a hundred grand won't make me as happy as nurturing my relationship with my granddaughters will."  Daniel Gilbert

When in Doubt, Do the Positive! - Advice from Jeanne Marie Laskas

  

In the February 2011 issue of Prevention Jeanne Marie Laskas shares some wisdom she learned from her mom--another tool to put into our 2011 Toolbox.

"When in doubt, do the positive."  This was my mother's favorite saying and a rule I live by.  It's a handy one when you're faced with life's big dilemmas.  Jeanne Marie Laskas

Laskas goes on to share the story of one of her life's "not-so-big dilemmas".  She had a raging head cold.  It was snowing to beat the band, and she was comfortably hunkered down--on the couch--in her bathrobe.  She had no intentions of going out with her husband on that night to chaperone a Valentine's Day Dance for fifth and sixth graders. 

There was no way she wanted to get off that couch--and she knew that no one would blame her for staying home--but then her husband pulled that "Do the Positive" card on her, 

"When in doubt, do the positive.  Remember?  The positive is the active thing.  Can't decide whether you're qualified for that new job?  Just apply.  Can't decide whether to go on that first blind date after a divorce or sit home in your pajamas?  Go on the date."  Jeanne Marie Laskas

Of course, Laskas goes to the dance.  And it looks like it's going to be one big disastrous waste of her time. The kids aren't dancing--the boys are huddled in one group, the girls in another.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," my husband says.  He pulls me onto the dance floor, twirls me to the growls of Lady Gaga.  The kids are laughing, but then my husband does his Travolta spin, so I do a little hustle move, and soon the girls and some of the boys are out here with us, and the silliness of this night becomes a kind of freedom for us all.

The DJ "brings it down" to "Just the Way Your Are," and for the first time in more years than I care to count, I am dancing with my husband on Valentine's Day, cheek to cheek.

When in doubt, dance!"  Jeanne Marie Laskas

That's exactly what I'll be doing tonight--this New Year's Eve 2011--dancing!  I asked three couples to join us at our symphony hall for a bargain-priced evening with a Broadway diva performance, followed by some rock-n-roll dancing, noisemakers, and a kitschy balloon drop.  This group then asked four more couples to join in the fun.  So, we'll be dressed up and dancing tonight.  When in doubt--do the positive--dance!  What better way to ring in the the New Year?

When In Doubt - Do the Positive!  Jeanne Marie Laskas' mother

The best predictor of human happiness is human relationships and the amount of time that people spend with family and friends.  Daniel Gilbert

 
"When you're down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.
You just call out my name,
And you know whereever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
To see you again."  James Taylor

Sitting silently beside a friend who is hurting may be the best gift we can give.  Unknown

 

Happy New Year - 2011

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[Betsy]

Don't you just love Jeanne Marie Laskas! She always makes me smile, even thru the tears. I read her way back when, in the Washington Post, when I lived in the area. Sounds like you are having a ball tonight. Great way to bring in 2011. Thank you!

Re: Daniel Gilbert "we're great at rationalizing." So that's a healthy thing when my son says his poor grades in two classes are because he was focusing on the really important classes? Wish I could believe that was all there was to it, but it's difficult, especially when the next thing out of his mouth is that one of the classes was "too early". Still, worth considering.

[Chris G.]

Great inspiration to start 2011. Happy New Year!

[Healthy Librarian]

Betsy, Oh no, Gilbert isn't saying that rationalization is a good thing--it's just how our brains/psyches are set up--the reason we can get ourselves through bad times. Call it a "coping mechanism". He would say it's really just delusion--but it eases us through life's bad patches so we can move on.

Actually, he says that people who lack this sort of coping ability--who see reality exactly as it is--are depressed--and who wants that?

He's not recommending delusion--just explaining how we get through bad times.

So, you're right about your son--his rationalization eases his guilt about those classes--tell him Gilbert wouldn't buy it! Ah, the joy of kids!

[Suzanne]

Fascinating stuff, as usual. Thank you for your always thought-provoking, (and frequently "action-provoking") columns.
Happy New Year
Suzanne

[Gael in Vermont]

Wonderful column! Great inspiration for the New Year. I must pass this along to my doctor...during my yearly check-ups, she always begins with asking me about my social network: not if I have any medical complaints or aches. She wants to know if I'm going out, seeing my family, and having fun. She totally gets it. She knows what's important and she stresses it to her patients. On another note, I never thought my M-i-L would ever get over the death of her son from AIDS. I truly thought, as did she, that she'd never be the same without him in her life. Well, Daniel Gilbert is right-what could be worse than losing a 25 year old son?- but with the help of friends and family, she put one foot in front of the other and learned to adapt. It's so true. Very insightful writing! Thank you.

[Healthy Librarian]

I like your new term, Suzanne: Action-provoking! Thanks for your sweet words, as well.

Gael, you're right--your MIL's experience says it all. And you doc sounds like a gem. As always, thanks for your kind words!